Do you believe God?
Not, "IN" God.
Do you believe God.
I like to think I do.
And yet.....we get all these experiences in which we can find out whether we do or not.
I'm in the middle of one such right now. You'll know if you read my blog "Mi Vida Loca."
So often we think it would just be easier if we were on the other side of the veil. When we consider the purpose of this life, I'm not so certain that is the case.
Many often think of suicide as the easy way out. A way into the world that follows. A life of ease and free from worry.
But I don't think the life after this is just sitting on a cloud with eternal harp-lessons with an occassional white laundry day.
There are things expected of us, skills required from this life in order to do what comes next. Suicide? Might just be the hard way out. Or the harder way out. Perhaps even impossible.
I read a book somewhere, one of those life-after-death books, "Return from Tomorrow" and the man saw people who had committed suicide in the spirit world. They ended up chained to their failures much more than they ever were in life. Their spirits hovering around the living they left behind whispering eternal "I'm sorry!"'s. On my mission, in my last area, in Walker Louisiana, my companion and I stumbled across a stone on the side of the road. A marble stone. I rudely decided to see if I could roll the car tire over it as I parked. And when we looked at it, it was a memorial marker. For a kid who committed suicide on that spot. From an LDS family. Who we met. His spirit was there, and I saw him. He was filled with sorrow, and refused to leave on the chance that somehow, he might get the chance to go back and enter his body on that spot, somehow. Some way. Something......maybe.
He shot himself in the mouth because his girlfriend who he got pregnant didn't want to be with him and left him when he proposed to her to do what was right.
And the family turned against the LDS faith.
"Why didn't God stop him? God could have sent an angel to protect him!" And other such questions I was asked at the time that I couldn't answer. Why does God send out the simple at those times to be his representatives? I didn't know and I felt wholly inadequate.
At any rate, I've felt crushed by my circumstances. And I remember back to when my nuclear engineering ambitions were crushed by a political move in Captain's Mast by the US Navy to make me serve as an example to others. One door was slammed in my face and then fell on top of me. And then I was given the keys to a police car and a new door, a better door, opened to me. (Running a nuclear reactor, while prestigious and high paying, isn't nearly as exciting and fun and interesting as a police car chase or wondering if you're going to get it trying to save some kid in a hostage situation.)
As crushed as I feel, I was thinking of others who do not endure these circumstances and take the "easy" way out when one door slams shut. Who end their lives before the new door can open.
Whose concepts of life and self are such that their entire existence is wrapped up in a single failure. Or success. Or something like that.
I won't judge a suicide here, but it gave me lots to think about.
And then, that takes me to my situation. I was thinking about how many people might end their life in my situation, finding it unbearable and how many have. And how many don't have the faith to wait for the next door to open. Oh, but I'm sure most Latter Day Saints at points of tribulation dream of their mansions above and would give much to not be here in this situation, I know I do, yet.....this serves a purpose.
Now I am facing potential (catastrophic) failure. Would I have the faith to be patient and wait for the next door to open? I've experienced enough failure that I now know that failure its self isn't fatal.
Or is my fear of the door slamming shut, so loud, that I don't listen - can't listen - to the spirit that is telling me "It is going to be okay"?
Is the Lord planting seeds and I am the one casting them away, devouring them like the birds of the air or choking them like the weeds in the parable of the sower with my fears?
I just was wondering how often we have to have faith to walk through the door in front of us, or faith to wait for the next door to open. In either case, we need to walk forward with faith.
So we can finish this life and take its lessons and skills with us to help us in the next where then, and only then, does the next life become easier.
And so, I wait, faithfully.