Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Not My Will But Thine Be Done.....

Easy to say, isn't it?

Harder to live.

Or is it?

I don't know yet, I haven't really tried it to the fullest.  Oh, sure, I've served a mission, I hold Family Home Evening 2/3 of the time and personal scripture study maybe 10% of the time, pay a full tithe and go to the temple.....

But have I really surrendered my will to the Lord?

Kinda scary at first thought, isn't it?   But....why? 

I mean, thinking if I was in the military and as long as I followed every word of command with exactness of my leaders I would survive, then, submitting my will to their guidance might be a good thing, wouldn't it? 

I mean, imagine you're tasked with something, I don't know, pick something dramatic for a more salient illustration - defusing a bomb - and you got a guy on the phone who knows what to do....you gotta put some trust in him and you better follow his words exactly and ask for help when you don't understand.

Might be a good thing to not lean on your own expertise in this - or many other - instances.

As I watched myself in a therapy session today on film, my instructions were to review the film, look for the worst ten minutes, transcribe it, then critique it. 

You know....hearing your voice on the phone is bad enough, seeing yourself on video is worse, but being told to pick your worst ten minutes of a video, transcribe every word, and then pick it apart as to what is wrong with it, which even ten minutes takes a few hours....I kind of came away with a bit of self loathing from that whole episode.  Thinking I might not be meant for this field of mental health. 

But others more skilled than me keep telling me to keep going, keep progressing, keep learning.  Might be a good time to listen to someone else's more expert point of view than my own?  Because from what I saw today, your point of view from your own eyes isn't the best and most accurate view of the world.  Kind of a cruel trick in some ways you think, that if you wanted to live better and do better, maybe we'd have eyes outside our bodies to help us see what's going on in our lives and the world?

Maybe there's a bit of freedom in it all. I don't know.  At any rate, just a thought.  Maybe its harder than I think, or maybe it's easier and  it is the thinking that makes it harder.  I don't know yet.  Maybe someday I can tell you, but for now, that's.....just me. 


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