Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Soon.....

So strange when you can mark an event on your calendar, permanently, year after year, down to the hour.

Today is the last day I spoke to my father one year ago in person.  Actually right about now.

In a few hours, he will be dead one year. 

Friday I am going to do his endowment (I hope) at the temple.  I baptized and confirmed him on my mission. 

At any rate, tonight I also took my last exam for psychology for my masters degree.  I have a few more exams left I am certain, but none related to the field its self.

My mind wanders as I am absolutely exhausted.  Nights find me sleepless from stress over school and work.  Days filled with humbling tasks as my ego and narcissism have been dug up by the roots, slashed, burned, chopped into tiny pieces with the ashes scattered......a painful process but, an ego is extra baggage I am glad to lose.....

Tomorrow I got a SCID-I to perform to do a diagnosis for an Axis I disorder and heaven knows what else awaits me....for now I'm tired.

Ah, but my mind wanders.  I don't know about anniversaries of death.  There isn't a day someone hasn't died in the year, and they will continue to.  I guess death simply marks the passage of time.  When you have the gospel, death is a forward-looking thing I think.  You look forward to the eternities and death marks a stage in eternity completed.   I know my father was free from sin at his death because I blessed him by the priesthood from over three hundred miles away in prayer that he was free from sin and his sins forgiven him.  My father has spoken to me since his death and I know my family watches over me from heaven and are very attentive to the genealogy work that I do in my ward and my stake and family.......I don't know.  I don't know what to think on this day.  I guess I 'd be sadder if he hadn't spoken to me since, but he has, he was present at his grave, he spoke to me since, last night he came to me in a dream, and he visited immediately after his death.....I know my father lives.

Mostly, we're closer than when he was alive.  Just as he said he was with his father.

Well, ironically we have some severe mental illness in our family a few generations ago, some of which severely afflicted my father, and some found its way to trouble me as well as things got passed on.....but now I'm in the mental health field and am not only treating the severely mentally ill and understanding my family.

To my father - please forgive me for my human feelings, but I understand now and forgive and want to forgive.  This work is too important to hold grudges down here.  You challenged me to be better than you, your challenge has made it so.  My success is your success.  My legacy is your legacy.  My children are your grandchildren.  And my priesthood shall bless you with the priesthood this week and you in turn shall bless others there and hereafter. 

At any rate, it is time to turn in, so as you always said, "bye bye for now."

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