Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Working On Marriage Problems. Building.

I'm a psychotherapist by profession and training.

But above that my main calling is I'm a father and a husband.

In the past I was a little boy with my own parents and family examples of what to live up to.

Now, I find myself drawing or trying to draw on the lessons of childhood to build a future and a present with my wife and children.

Unfortunately, in some ways, like everybody, there have been some things lacking in my childhood education when it came to relationships.

This has left my wife and I to struggle and work together to find our way in our marriage relationship together.

Add to it a crippling (literally) disability that I wouldn't wish on anybody in our relationship, the small sands of life's irritations in our underwear from our frolic at life's beach together, so to speak, feel more like a handful of gravel at times.

What to do about it?

Well, if we were like millions of others, we might have broken our covenants and parted ways. 

One thing my wife and I are committed to is our children.  We are both willing to suffer rather than make our children suffer in order to keep our family intact.  We're very pre-1950's in that regards.

And that's.....a strength.

Probably one more of this world needs.

Regardless, it was a choice we both made and we're still together!  Ten years later.   Through thick and thin (whatever that means - is that a fat-joke?) and sickness and health, rich and poor, and all that jazz.

However, we still have issues like all couples and I find myself turning to church talks by general authorities looking for guidance and advice and finding amazing answers and insights.

That? Ignore that....can we focus on the big things?
But one of the things I've found is that working on marriage problems and issues doesn't have to be a burden or a chore.  It can be a time to set aside or close the door on misunderstandings and press forward.  It can be a time to connect (and have angry-make-up-sex afterwards if you're into that! ;) and heal rather than simply ripping scabs off and go "THERE! SEE?  I TOLD YOU IT WOULDNT WORK!" as we walk away leaving a spouse grieving and sobbing and battered and bruised in our wake.

Approach marriage problems with love and concern, the way the Savior would towards our sins.  Rather than a painful experience for the sake of pain that results in dissolution it can be a time of healing and connecting spiritually, really.  Working on marital problems can be an enlightening time of great relief, growth and closeness. 

But when you consider what is necessary in the future, the progress required, we NEED to draw closer as husbands and wives.  Drawing closer, straightening out errors doesn't have to be filled with trauma, painful or even avoided out of fear.  Where does fear come from?

Where does faith come from?

A friend of mine, a POW in Vietnam, said that there were four aspects of faith that helped him survive.  First, faith in ourselves that we can do what's needed.  Second faith in each other.  Lastly, faith in God.

A marriage relationship isn't just to "get" and it isn't just to "give" either as is so often said.  It is to build.  Build each other.  Build ourselves.  Build our Families. Build eternity.

That's....just my thoughts.

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