How To Go On A Family Outing

How To Plan And Execute (note use of word "execute") a Family Outing.

Step:
1 - do no planning whatsoever - make sure the trip is spontaneous to maximize the fun-potential and freedom

2 - begin to sigh a breath of relief about how you feel free because you're spontaneous and going out with your family

This is my kids right here....actually this was today...

3 - however plan to get up early on the day of the outing because going out late will not give you enough time to be fully free
4 - in the spirit of being fully free - and spontaneous - stay up wayyyyy too late so that getting up early isn't even a possibility

5 - refuse to set an alarm because that's too stressful
6 - oversleep
7 - enjoy oversleeping
8 - feel free and unstressed from oversleeping
9 - slowly wake up
10 - realize now you don't have all the time in the world you needed because you stayed up too late and overslept
11 - begin to stress
12 - continue to adhere to the plan of no plans and run around in chaotic fashion barking at the kids because they aren't moving fast enough
13 - get into an argument with the wife about how nothing's where you need it to be and the totally free and unplanned and spontaneous mentality has cut into your ability to be totally free and unplanned and spontaneous
14 - wife bark at dad for getting on the kids
15 - kids act oblivious and continue to run around like hellions
16 - as an alternative to 15 - begin to cry
17 - dad bark at kids for not being happy we're going on a family outing
18 - husband and wife get mad at each other as they rush over each other still maintaining the plan of no planning while trying to plan and trying to have fun
19 - kids go outside finally and make so much noise they aggravate the neighbors
20 - dad open car and let kids in and shut doors so they can't be heard murdering each other

I WISH it was this quiet....

21 - realize that even with the car doors shut and through the inside of the house when it's finally quiet you CAN hear the kids murdering each other in the car
22 - continue to argue with wife until you get outside late for your unplanned and spontaneous free day
23 - get wife in car so she can bark at kids
24 - FINALLY - family about to hit the road!
25 - dad forget something spontaneously unplanned and leave wife and kids in car to murder each other
26 - dad check to see if he can hear family being murdered from inside shut car through house
27 - decide don't want to hear it - take extra long taking one last pee-break enjoying the silence and freedom of a spontaneously unplanned day in the quiet of an empty house
28 - get back to car in bad mood because everyone's fighting
29 - remember forgot to say family prayer before leaving
30 - pull it together just enough to be reverent enough for a family prayer
31 - try to give a meaningful family prayer and ask for the family to get along
32 - become irritated at kids for not being reverent during prayer and try to be reverent while becoming annoyed
33 - immediately go back to barking at kids for not being reverent
34 - mom try to make peace by telling dad to calm down
35 - dad throw fuel on the fire by bringing up a past transgression of mom's when she didn't calm down
36 - mom bring up bad habit of dad of never forgiving or forgetting
37 - kids pay close attention to parents now and be quiet so they can listen to parents verbally sparring
38 - dad disengage from family and stew in silence and decide to have a happy free and spontaneous day while begrudgingly driving family out to do their activity
39 - kids fight now that it's quiet then family finally decide to calm down because family is on the road on way to fun outing
40 - dad realize he forgot something really important at store
41 - mom and dad argue about money and time lost going to store
42 -go to store
43 - dad feel peace while wife and kids locked in car murdering each other over being bored and dad take too long shopping for a bunch of things not even on the list
44 - dad come out happy from shopping
45 - mom glare at dad for taking too long
46 - dad totally be a guy and play stupid that since he got a break from the family while they murdered each other in the car they should all be in a good mood
47 - dad say something insensitive about family refusing to get along and not respecting each other and realize forgot what he went in for
48 - kids fuss so dad threatens to cancel trip
49 - kids beg to go and immediately behave

50 - mom plead with dad to continue hellish free spirited and unplanned and spontaneous trip for the kids because they didn't get out at all this week and they are driving her up a wall
51 - carry out unplanned hellish free spirited and unplanned and spontaneous trip
52 - kids occassionally start to murder each other in the back seat with increasing frequency while dad tries to ignore it
53 - dad completely withdraw into himself
54 - mom act happy looking out the window in an effort to cheer things up
55 - dad turn up radio to drown out kids fighting
56 - mom complain radio's too loud so dad withdraws back into self in silence
57 - finish activity and have a meaninful time in some fashion and try to forget chaos
58 - mom point out if it weren't for dad persevering family wouldn't have gotten out today
59 - mom thank dad for hanging in there
60 - dad realize this time really is precious and important
61 - dad apologize to kids for barking at them and threatening them with physical harm
63 - kids foolishly forgive dad and continue to wander within arms reach of spankings in the future
64 - have family prayer thankful for the day
65 - kids go to bed
66 - realize it wasn't so bad after all
67 - forget all the stupidity and fighting that went on all day
68 - not feel completely de-stressed from day however
69 - in the mood of the evening - talk about doing something else totally free-spirited and unplanned and spontaneous to counter not-yet-unstressedness
70 - wait until family is too stressed out and needs another break
71 - plan another totally free-spirited and unplanned and spontaneous activity
72 - go back to step 1

Christmas Trains & Childhood Memories of Pennies

Despite whatever regrets I may have about childhood, one thing my dad was good at was being a kid.  I never met either of my grandpas, but I understand they were pretty good at it too.  I'm talking about being kids - not grown idiots that get arrested and set a bad example and act like they are 13 - kids.

Like having fun or doing the things a kid would want to do.

So for Christmas, dad wouldn't spend a bunch of money on the big gifts, but would get me a bunch of small gifts - like dollar store gifts by the boat-load with a few big ones mixed in.  It was a great way of stretching the dollar and maximizing Christmas.  Things like "Flippy subs" and "Jacobs ladders" as well as balsa airplanes were pretty standard fare - and a lot of fun.

But the one thing I really wanted?  An electric train set.  I was fascinated with trains since our trip to Canada back in 1980 when during the whole drive up and back we saw trains that stretched for well over a mile.  I suppose Oaks Amusement Park having a mini-train that I rode on every year at the Portland Police Picnic and just went round and round on contributed.  But a train set in the mind of a child isn't a toy.  It's REAL.  Just as real as a real one.  And I wanted one.  My parents bought me lots of little substitutes from that time to placate me but nothing would do but a REAL train set. And I knew just the man who could get me one.

So I went to see Santa.....


And I told him what I wanted - an electric train set.....

He said he'd see to it....

And Christmas came.....

And Christmas went...

And there was no train set.....

Apparently Santa AND my parents didn't think I was big enough for one yet.  I was maybe five or so.

I was pretty heart broken.  I don't know how this Santa stuff works, but he HAD to know I wanted one and would be responsible with it.  More than that kid and his Red Ryder BB Gun on TV anyways, though this was before he came around....I thought Santa knew everything???

In psychology studies it's been demonstrated that our personalities are very largely similar in childhood as they are when we are adults - looking back at the encounter to follow, I think I can definitely see some similarities - both in reasoning and in...um....oratorical wit for a six year old - which hasn't really stopped when I get fired up even today.

Another year passes and mom takes me down the Oregon City Shopping Center to see Santa again.

My turn comes....

Santa sits there with his arms out telling me it is my turn....

I stand there with my hands on my hips and a scowl on my face....

Mom gives me a bit of a nudge....

So Santa asks me what I want for Christmas from where he sat rather than waiting for me...

And I stood there refusing to move and reply with all the irritation that a 6 year old can muster up without being a spoiled brat quite yet "I want the train set you didn't bring me LAST year!"

Santa's mouth almost dropped and he stopped looking at me.

His eyes narrowed and his gaze shifted up from my six year old frame and turned to a glare at my mother standing next to me who suddenly wasn't next to me and was acting like I wasn't her kid and she was shocked some kid would be so mouthy to Santa.

At any rate, that year - the train set was delivered.  It was there Christmas morning.  Completely set up.  It was an O-Scale steam engine complete with a logging mill and in a giant four foot by six foot wooden box, green grass felt and the entire thing could be picked up and put against the wall if it needed to be put away in one move.

And.....there was my dad and my uncle Randy playing with MY train set!

THE AUDACITY!

That evening when the grandmother and great grandmother came over - I heard how my dad's own train set got violated by his dad and uncles as well.  Must be a family thing.  I was told that Santa asked Dad to test it for me and make sure it worked, just like Santa asked Grandpa to test dad's.

O gauge track

"Well, if SANTA said you could play with it then I guess it's okay.  I mean, he did bring it after all....I'm not gonna argue with Santa...."

At any rate, the O-Scale train was a lot of fun. But I still wanted more.  A "REAL" looking train set - not the "three-railed" O-scale set - I wanted two rails, not three.

So, since income as a seven year old is difficult to come by - I didn't get paid to do chores because I was expected to do chores, and I was too young to mow lawns, I had to find another way to get the train set sooner than Santa would bring it and without having to bug mom and dad for the money.

What to do...what to do....?

Then, my second grade class had a pinata for a party.  We were to all bring a bit of candy and a penny or a few nickles or something in it.

We all got to smash at it with a stick and I learned a few things: One - you don't want to be the person who breaks it open because then you don't see where the goods go.  Second - there's other things more important in this world than candy.  There was cash in that pinata.  Cash in the form of pennies and nickels, dimes and some quarters.

I was small but I was fast.  I was in that circle and I went after the cash as fast as my little arms could go.  The other kids were so stupidly and naively attracted to the candy.  Foolish, foolish children.  There was money to be made here.  Worked for me though! 

HO scale track

In a few moments I literally had a mound of pennies and nickels.

Not just a mound - I had about $30 or $32 dollars in pennies!

That's about 3,200 pennies.

Do you know what about 3,200 pennies looks like or feels like exploding over a crowd of school kids from a pinata?  Its kind of dangerous.  But the danger that makes the more timid souls run for cover bought me time.

When it was over, I sat guarding this massive pile of pennies and had a tootsie roll, a piece of bubble gum and that was it.  Oh, and a butt-load of money for a 7 year old.

When the kids realized what my plan was and that they had the candy and I literally had the biggest pile of money any of us had seen - one of them told me I *HAD* to give them some.

Huh HAH!  Not without a price.  This is where I began being a salesman.

Two pieces of candy for a penny - which is a better deal than just getting it for free. 

So now I'm selling money for candy at far-below-market value (of Candy that is).

The trip home on the bus found me with a paper grocery bag on the seat next to me full of cash and me with a smug grin on my face.  Visions of steam engines danced in my head.  Soon I would have my wish. 

At any rate, I got to buy my HO scale (two rails, not three) train set, but the problem was there wasn't enough room to put it anywhere in the house permanently.  So dad took a 4'x8' piece of plywood and ran four ropes to the four corners and up to a pulley system on the garage ceiling that went to a boat winch.  Now my train set could come down from the ceiling to play and be put up for storage - no problem.

I wish I could say I took good care of the train set, but boys will be boys.  Lots of experiments with collisions and running them off cliffs as well as just use took their toll over the years though I did develop some really nice sets as well.  I learned about electricity and not shocking myself as well as came to loathe electricity.  But besides my bike growing up - probably nothing holds as many wonderful, concentrated and real memories as my train sets.

I never did become an engineer like I wanted to.  I think I'm getting too old to now and I'm on track becoming a psychologist - but for all intents and purposes I was an engineer of the HO-Scale variety.

I think it must be time for my son to get his own train set and me to play with it to test it out first and defile it before he gets to play with it and make a deal with Santa that I'm to test it out.