No Substitutions, Please

Th time may be coming when if I do not have to close my blog, I will have to acknowledge what it is, and what it isn't.

For those who have followed me for the years Latter Day Musings has been up, this has been a spiritual journey - a journey of insights, of musings, of thoughts, experiences, some travels, some humor, some history, some family stories.

As the world changes, so must we in response if we are to keep ahead of things and in the things the Lord has for us. 

In some ways, like many I've enjoyed and seen their blogs and such "mature" over time, I am not certain if I am as well, or my blog has reached the end of it's intended life and purpose.

There are many things in here which cannot be construed, nor should they, to be the ultimate declarations of faith, testimony, and certainly not doctrine.  Some are stepping stones to further knowledge, and later on I often seem to be disagreeing with myself much earlier. 

At this point I have an impressive 900+ entries in here, whether they go away or not, I don't know yet.

But for now, I am wary in a world where personal blogs become substitutions for or distractions from church doctrine - and I'm always wary of starting a spiritual hobby on sacred things, or being considered one or being confused for one or the other.  The number of reads on there are pretty low, and I keep it that way.   But again, times are changing, I'm entering a public light more and more and in time I know my thoughts and all other character shortcomings or any other excuse that will be made to detract from me are coming. 

Fr now I'm not certain what will become of this blog, but I may have to make a decision as to what to do in days and times to come soon, but if this is no longer here, know that I have been told to remove it - meanwhile I thank you for your blessings of having been a reader to this. 

I thank you again and I give praise and thanks to our Lord for what I have been granted here.

For now I close, in Jesus' name, amen.

Second Chances.....and unbelievable miracles.....

On June 5th my wife had a miscarriage and we lost our child.

Despite all this, I felt like something was incomplete and that the child was to be born to us - maybe to have a second chance or sometime in the future but I didn't know how it was going to work out.  Something just felt not right and even the priesthood blessing indicated that this child was to be born to us though I didn't know how.

Jen's been miserable for about a week and a half. I've struggled as well.  Unable to part with a baby bassinet and the baby clothes they've been shuffled around the house for a  bit now, awkwardly and yet still uncertain of what to do with them.

Last night I asked her if her uterus was cramping and she replied "You mean the tomb?" Not knowing what to say, I could only reply to it with my dry humor and say "You mean your coffin?"    I got a dry "ha ha" to that.  Not fun times, but we tend to be more stoic as a family after all we've endured.

At any rate, she's been cramping more lately and we had to go to the doctor to find out if there was anything left behind and whether we had to remove a dead and decomposing fetus from inside her.

Today, we went to the doctor for the ultrasound and she was cramping and did not want to go to the appointment.  I couldn't just send her alone, so I went.

We finally got in and the moment of horror arrived where they actually started looking around.  Kind of horrified at what I'd see, I waited with a bit of resignation.

Finally they found it, I saw its ribcage and its little body laying sideways inside her.   The ultrasound technician said "Um....yah.....you got a complete baby in here......."

Jen sagged on the table.  It was awful to think that entire thing was going to have to come out....arms, legs, head and everything....

The ultrasound technician wiggled the instrument around and continued "And a beating heart!  You have a live baby in there!"

Jen and I tous ensemble:"WHAT?"

"Its alive!"

"Are you serious???"

"Yes!"

"No way!  Wait....WHAT?  It's alive?"

"Yes!  With a healthy heartbeat!  158 beats per minute! Going strong!"

Jen began to sob uncontrollably and was completely overwhelmed.  I was in shock and had to look at the screen again and again and again.  There was our baby, looking at us, and I could see the heart beating on the screen.

The technician put the heartbeat on the monitor so we could hear it, there it was so strong again and still.  A lot less space than before it looked like but there it was.

Wait....WHAT???

Jen was still losing it but in a good way.

Texts went out to friends and family who were stunned as we were.

Okay, so my child's been dead nearly two weeks, and today I find out that it's still alive.......I didn't know what to think or what to feel - so much all at once!

I know I want the child and am absolutely stoked, but I feel like I'm on my fourth child because I already lost my third and this is a new one!  I still know what it's like to lose a child....so surreal.  And now....I have my child "back."

The news spread fast and my sister in law accidentally spilled the beans to our kids before we got home but they were excited.  Probably the only bummer out of this was that we didn't get to tell them ourselves.

But Matthew's going to be an even bigger brother and Rachel will finally be a bigger sister.  Out of it all?  I know I want this child.  I know what I'm capable of as a father and that I can do this in our circumstance.  I came to value my children even more and became way more tolerant of their "little kid-ness" and essentially I feel like I was given a chance that we just don't ever get in life.  Not one I've heard of anyways. Ever.

I am reminded of the sacrifice of Abraham with his son Isaac and can only say that I'm grateful to know I can pass through something like this and not turn away from God, though it wasn't fun, the reality?  Hasn't quite set in yet. 

God truly does have His hand on me.  I've seen too many miracles to doubt His presence or His love.

But as for today?  The single most miraculous and surreal day of my life.  Ever. 

Now....I guess I need to go finish that baby bassinet that I saved.  I can still look forward to the baby clothes being tried out for Christmas.  What a day.

Thank you all for your prayers and love.  I have no doubt that you had a part in this wonderful miracle of miracles.

Thank you all, and God bless.

Thank you again, and God bless you again and again.

Life's crumbs....and shattered windows.....

This morning we lost our son-to-be in a miscarriage.

My wife awoke me at 5 am saying she was bleeding.  I got up, looked around and began to race to get dressed.  We called to find out if there was an ER in Redmond, the kids got up fairly quickly and Heaven blessed me to be able to put her in the van quite easily.   

Before we left, I asked her if she wanted me to give her a blessing.  She said yes.  I gave her a blessing by the authority and power of the priesthood which I hold, and I could feel that this wasn't going to be though I didn't dare accept it and hoped against hope that what I saw and felt as I gave the blessing wouldn't come to pass and that there might remain some chance of things turning around, and yet I was promised something would come to pass in the future with another child. 

It was comforting again when the military training comes out and I'm quite comfortable and trained to safely drive in an emergency - fortunately at 6am on a Sunday in a rural town, there isn't much traffic and the streets were empty. As we drove she informed me she was beginning to cramp.

We arrived at the ER in about 7 minutes or less, we were the only ones there...and Jen was quickly quickly taken in the back.  The kids and I sat out in the waiting room as they weren't prepared to handle mom, dad and two kids with a bunch of work to do.

I asked if I could go see her after a while, they said "They are doing okay, you can go back in a while." 
"They."   In these times of crisis your mind hangs on every word, every nuance to see meaning and ascertain how things go.  Friends texted me to tell me that from their experiences there was still a good chance - I hoped for the best.

When I was finally allowed back in, the nurse's attendant didn't say a word but walked back fairly lightly - more meaning inferred - wondering - wandering - waiting.   When I got back to Jen and we finally had time to talk, Jen asked me what I saw by the priesthood.

The priesthood is an amazing gift that God has given to man again in these latter days - by it God can and often does show us the future, the past, things that are, things that could be and God again speaks to man by it through the Holy Ghost - just as it was in Times of Old.

I told her that I felt it wasn't going to be good.

To me it felt as if our child had chosen not to come here yet for various reasons and had decided to wait for another time though there might be a future time.  Heaven and earth are indeed connected, but both of them have their own plans and designs, with Heaven often waiting on the desires of mankind and men's choices, and Earth waiting on the timing, plans, laws and designs of God.  In it all it is up to us to do our best to try to understand and be receptive to what comes as we try to listen to what is being whispered to us through the Spirit. 

She told me it was going to be a while and that I should take the kids to get breakfast.  I grabbed McDonald's with the kids and headed back to the Emergency Room.

When I asked if I could see Jen,they took me back.  I asked her what was going to happen.  She told me that they had already taken it out of her and it was dead.  We had lost our baby.

I lost it.   I asked her if she had seen it....what happened?

Just the other week he was so strong, I watched him do a "trampoline like bounce" inside mom and had his hands near his face with its thumb in its mouth.  The heartbeat was 160 or something like that.  And now....when it came out, it wasn't even recognizable.

When we finally got cleaned up to go, I told the kids we had lost their baby brother.  It wasn't until I mentioned that we didn't need the handcrafted bassinet I made that Matthew suddenly realized we weren't going to be having a baby.  He began to cry.  I handed him some tissues and he was sobbing about how we weren't going to have a baby - he wanted to be a big brother and was getting excited about the idea.

As we drove away, I felt so empty.  Nothing.  This was it?  I didn't get a certificate, a name, a headstone, a funeral, a memorial, a program for a memorial service......nothing.  We just drove away.  I never got to see my son.  I couldn't live like this.  No.  It couldn't end this way.

My mind began arguing that we were still having a baby on December 8th!  I realized I had to go back to say goodbye to it.

Were I not a psychology major having been trained in loss and grief, I don't know that I could handle this.  This wasn't something I wanted to do but I had to do.  There had to be some note of closure.  This was all too fast.  I asked Jen if I could turn around and go back.  We did. 

I walked into the hospital and asked if I could see the nurse and told her I needed to see what was left of my son.  I couldn't walk away with nothing and just have a trip to the ER and have it be over and not know...not see....not have anything.   She took me into a room, and the nurse brought me a container and explained to me what it was and there really wasn't much there that was distinguishable. 

I actually clutched the remains in the container to my chest sobbing "all I wanted to do was to hold you."  I was able to make out what would have become soft, soft baby skin wanting lotion and needing patting.  Just yesterday, I was at a beach with my children and asking the other children they played with what their names were as I got ideas for names.  And now....on our anniversary vacation.....nothing.

I finally left, my children have never seen dad cry and I cried on the drive back to the resort.  The sunrise on the mountains, on Sisters was beautiful, and I couldn't help but think just as we lost someone, someone else was being born today, to others this was an ordinary day....so many kinds of days and it was only 9am.

I got to the resort and informed them that I needed new linens for the bed.  They offered to take them up.  There was a lot of blood on the bedding and I didn't want some staff hauling away what little remained from the hopes of my infant son, I told them I would prefer to take it myself and I broke down and told them I had lost my son this morning. 

When we got back, Jen asked me to go make the bed before she got in there, I did however ask the children to help me make the bed.

Death is a stranger in America.  It is the only thing that awakens us from the American dream (My own quote from my studies in the psychology of loss and grief).  We run from it, shield our children from it, and avoid it and spend less time mourning than about any industrialized nation.  It wasn't always so, but the last 70 years in the US have seen our attitudes towards death change.  As my daughter came in she asked me why there was blood in the bathroom, I told her that was from the baby, and then she saw Matthew and I changing the linens and it hit her as well.

She hasn't cried, and Matthew is doing well, though I am a wreck. Jen called her sister who's had more miscarriages.  I have baby pictures from ultrasounds, a very lovingly handcrafted baby bassinet I made out of wood, and a little baby duck outfit for a newborn hanging on our bedroom door - all awaiting something to be done with them.

I'm grateful this happened at a resort rather than in my bedroom where I feel like it's a room of death.  Though the room did feel like death when we returned to it.

I texted my supervisor to tell her I might be requesting extra days off because I was supposed to go back to work on Wednesday.  I can't.  I mean I could, but that day I have to sit through a meeting with a supervisor above her that I don't really have any respect for and who's really crossed some lines at work that I'm still trying to decide what to do with.

As far as blessings go?  There's a tendency in America for Americans to be unempathetic towards those who've suffered loss.  People rush to tell you how it's a good thing, to see the blessings in it - as if someone's loss is a threat to their emotional well being and people can't just let you be sad.  We need to be sad.  Even Christ said "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."  This is true.  Unless we mourn, we cannot be fully comforted.   I believe there are 316 standard phrases used in the American lexicon that we say to those who are mourning, and only 44 of them are encouraging, uplifting or supportive.  The remainder dismiss or disenfranchise the grieving.

For now I will just mourn and pass through this.  My children are beautiful and I love them and just now as I am writing, my darling daughter came to show me her latest ponytail venture with one hanging off her forehead and another off her left hear with those beautiful blue eyes.  My son, ever so stoic is just working on a popsicle.

At any rate, family was called and it was offered to have the kids gone so my wife and I could spend time together.  Absolutely not. I just lost a child.  I want my kids close even if we drive each other nuts.

I do feel angels around me.  Something I can sense and sometimes see.  The ones I see right now are "older" men, wise men, kindly gentlemen who are just here to be a comfort but who share my loss - quiet men who lend support.

How can Heaven mourn for us when Heaven sees the end from the beginning and live amidst such joy incomprehensible, and yet their hearts be here with us and cry when we cry, hurt when we hurt?  Its something I don't understand other than to think that a loving Heavenly Father is truly mindful of us and truly does understand us.

To "Baby Millican" who wasn't born or even fully named, we loved you though we hadn't met you and we hope that we shall yet meet you and I shall do my best as a father if Heaven and Earth combine to bring you to us once again, and to Heaven.....thank you for the gift of being able to understand others who've walked where I am now walking.

The valley of sorrow is indeed deep and long and dark and even dangerous if we stay there too long, and the corner we have just turned is a previously unknown crevice in the valley we hadn't been to before. 


But I thank Heaven for the perspective of the restored gospel and the knowledge of the purpose of this life to give us comfort in these times of sorrow that Christ himself said must needs come and for which this earth was designed.

For now, I shall close.  I'm not ready to say goodbye yet and I have hopes for one more but for now, I'm going to close. 


Thank you all and God bless.

Thank you again.  And God Bless again and always.

First Testimony.......

I was very blessed by the Lord to be a convert to this Gospel, and even more blessed to have been called to serve in the future home of Zion where the Lord will one day have more converts than from all english speaking missions combined, the southern US.

Many children grow up with a testimony of Christ in the south but not a testimony of or a means to discern doctrine as there are literally thousands of doctrines down south - its so common people don't really think about it or if they do they don't know what to make of it or what to do about it.


It was amazing of the thousands of times I knelt with families and prayed with them "To ask a yes or no question, Is Joseph Smith a Prophet?" and to ask the Lord to "Please manifest it in our hearts by the power of the Holy Ghost" how much more perceptive children were of the Holy Ghost - I had heard about it it, but I have seen it after my mission...it is hard to believe this year will mark ten years since I entered the mission field in November - at the ripe old age of "about-to-not-get-to-go-because-you're-too-old-if-you-wait-a-few-more-weeks".

To share a story, I remember kneeling with the "Green" family, Marla and Sedrick - they lived right across from us in Baton Rouge and I was getting used to stopping people just walking by and asking if they wanted to hear a message about Jesus Christ. Sedrick was walking his dog when I stopped him and he said ".....sure! Why not?" and invited us in. Over the course of several discussions, it was very clear that Satan was very determined to keep us from working this part of the Lord's vineyard as the social and societal pressures began to mount on the family over their continued interactions with us, but the Holy Spirit is true.


When it finally came to kneel and ask "a yes or no question" we knelt with them and asked outright, "Is Joseph Smith a true prophet? Is the Book of Mormon more of your word?"


As we knelt in contemplation, their daughter who I believe was about 7 or so, I believe she may have been a bit older than that, was kneeling with us.


As we waited for an answer, her chin came up as we waited in silence and her eyes got really big and she gasped and said "OHMYGOSHIFEELSUCHAWARMFEELINGINSIDEANDASOFTVOICEISSAYING YES! YES! YES! YES! ITS TRUE! THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH!!! I KNOW IT!!! GOD TOLD ME!!!!"

Children are so trusting and so open!

On my mission we were so faithful thanks to the teutelage of my trainer that I have literally controlled and directed the elements by faith and have seen the rain stop, storms abate and even the heat become subdued so we could work - all things happened by faith to where we would literally step out into a typical but nasty Louisiana Rainstorm - the types that would flood the streets with 2 feet of water in several minutes and make working very difficult- from under an overhang and the rain would literally stop hitting the ground as we stepped out in faith.

On that note, I also found and declared that "Those streets are MINE" when the rain poured because all the Jehovas Witnesses and everyone else called it quits at those times - mine by divine decree of an apostle of the Lord! Mine above all otherson the earth to work with the Spirit of the Lord!

I made it a point to drag my companions out in to the nastiest weather because there was no competition, and had literally gone riding in two and feet of water - and even being out in an annoying tornado or twenty - just to get out without the competition beating us to the door a half hour before we got there - a common problem down south.

Those rainstorms were some of the greatest blessings Heavenly Father sent as many people thought we were "insane" and wanted to know what we were out doing in suits riding in that weather and we told them "We have a very important message....there is another testament of Jesus Christ and the prophets have returned....would you like to hear about it?" I got to teach at bus stops and invited in so often in those rainstorms.

But what was the point of my story?

Often we would pose a question to children or people when it came to the points of doctrine "but what if they are wrong?"

We would get asked "Why would they lie?"

And we would reply to something they all knew very well and were very aware of even if they hadn't noticed it "everyone says its true but they all teach different things....haven't you noticed? So they can't all be right if they are all teaching different things.....who would know who's right?"

"....God...."

"Lets ask HIM then...and let him tell us, if GOD HIMSELF told you what we were telling you was true, would you follow it?"

"Well...I...er...."

"Not me...not him...GOD HIMSELF....."

"Oh...well....yeah if GOD said so..."

"Then let's ask....a yes or no question....ready?"

"....."

"We're talking the answers to the universe here! GOD talking! If nothing happens, FINE! But if he answers, what an amazing gift that would be! Knowledge from God himself! Shall we?"

".....all right.....lets do it! You go first!"

And that was how it began - a first discussion - we were commanded to by the Apostles and Seventy to be so direct and we did sort the wheat from chaff on a very first discussion - you were on one side of the fence or the other when we got done with the very first discussion - we taught so clearly as to remove doubt as to where we stood or what this was about.

I have NEVER ever knelt with anyone who did not receive an answer from God that this work was true - and it was much to the chagrin of several preachers who apparently didn't believe that God would answer us as we knelt, to the surprise of several athiests, and to the shock of many who were making fun of us and to the discomfort of one very devout Jehova's witness (and I'll throw myself in this category at one time).

Going back to the rain, about a year or so ago when Matthew was about four, some of you may remember when I told the story about teaching Matthew faith in the Lord when we were headed out to an outing to play in a park and the typical Oregon storm clouds came over and threatened our outing and we didn't have coats and our outing would have been ruined.

Having seen and done "it all" by the priesthood and faith on my mission, I had seen an opportunity to teach matthew that his prayers WERE answered by God and taught him how to pray that the rain would stop and to explain to Heavenly Father that we didn't have coats, that he wanted to go, and that if it rained we would have had to go home (we were seeing some waterfalls on a river) and knowing that if anyone was worthy to have that prayer answered it would be a child, and so he did. And right on cue, the rain stopped when he was done, and the clouds parted and the sun returned. And we thanked the Lord when it was over.

He has since used "his powers" on I don't know how many outings and I know others have seen it, my sister in law has commented on this several times how quickly he is to pray for sun so he can stay out - and what a Loving Heavenly Father who will listen to a little boy who wants to play and has faith and even change the weather for him!

And so, I recently asked Matthew how he knew the book of Mormon was true, whether President Monson was a prophet, and he told me that "my teacher told me!"

We discussed the dilemma this posed as described above in terms a 5 year old could under stand and his 4 year old sister with him - she's just a bit more hyperactive than he is.

Being a convert myself and having seen thousands receive answers to this question, as well as having seen many hundreds of LDS that I know personally having struggled with this prospect of having not had an answer for much of their life until late teens or whenever, as a father I decided to help him with what I was blessed to see on my mission.

We read in the scriptures the same verses we read on our mission tonight, Galatians 5 where it describes the fruit of the spirit, and Ephesians where it talks about the fruit of the spirit being in all righteousness and truth, and we knelt to ask God a "yes or no question, is Joseph Smith a prophet, is Thomas Monson a prophet, is this Your church, is the book of Mormon true?"

When we knelt to pray, we all three took turns asking those "yes or no questions" and we waited.

And though I felt an answer, and I felt the spirit, it was time to teach my five year old son (daughter's still kinda following along a bit and watching) how to listen.

We talked about being still and listening.....and sister was having a hard time holding still as was he....and when we got done.....

He didn't receive an answer.

I told him, "I got an answer.....God told ME it was true....does that mean God didn't answer you?"

And he looked very sad and said "yes.....he didn't answer me...."

And I asked him, "or....maybe you weren't listening...you were fidgeting around a bit....but I heard it......the spirit is VERY quiet....you have to learn to pay attention to it.....be quiet....."

I am always teaching my children to be quiet - not just for convenience....part of it is my military training as I am always listening to accoustics off buildings and ptiches of engines, voices and goings on in houses, speed of footsteps, and paying attention to how loud I walk and what noise I make and am teaching my children to be still and listen to those things....to pay attention to the world around them....be quiet.....it paid off this last week when by being still and quiet - quite the task for a 4 and 5 year old! - they were approached by a couple chipmunks several times over a couple days that came right up to their shoes while we were in the outdoors!

Well now we got to practice something else we've been working on and they have already seen the physical blessings of - (being quiet brings wildlife up to you) - being quiet and listening.

And now we got to talk about being quiet allowing us to hear the spirit....we can tie it all in! "See what happens when you are quiet and listen??? WOW! The world begins to open up to you!"

So now, when Matthew realized that maybe he wasn't paying attention, I asked if we should try again.....

He said, to my surprise actually because they were tired..."Yes..."

So we did....and I prayed and asked....

We sat for a while....daughter was having a hard time holding still but was being quiet.....Matthew's arms were folded and his eyes closed in intense concentration.....I don't think I've ever seen him concentrate so hard in a prayer....and as we waited.....after about a minute....suddenly Matthew's head came up and his eyes got wide and he got a HUGE grin on his face and he took a deep breath with a HUGE smile and said "I GOT AN ANSWER!!! HE TOLD ME YES!!!!"

"What did it feel like?"

"It felt HAPPY!" and he was smiling and shaking his head up and down. Not only did the spirit witness to me as a Father that this just happened, but given that earlier he told me quite honestly that he didn't get an answer and wasn't going to just make something up on this....I knew he had received his First Testimony.

And I pointed out to him, "Now you have seen that your prayers are HEARD by God through the rain that you've prayed to stop, do you remember?" He nodded vigorously yes! "And now you have also been answered and heard the Lord, GOD HIMSELF, Heavenly Father, just talked to YOU. This is how you learn the things of God....you can ask Him....and he WILL tell you like he just did....you can learn to ask a YES OR NO question....learn to listen....the Holy Ghost is very quiet....but he WILL talk to you if you listen carefully...."

He kept nodding and smiling....and just looked thrilled and happy!

We then had to kneel and thank Heavenly Father for answering our prayers and for hearing us and teaching us.

I guess what I've learned through my conversion and the blessings of having served a mission is that we don't have to leave the testimonies of our children to chance and time....we can and should as parents take the time to give them that guided tour and experience an answer WITH them and discuss it - just as we do with investigators.

We don't have to wait until our children are 15 or so and HOPE that they get an answer in time in their own prayers and that someday it clicks....it's too much to leave to chance....and having seen I don't know how many "seeds" trampled under foot in the mission field and watch the weeds choke them.....I really like the Apostles' and Seventies' counsel on this topic as they pushed the Southern missionaries to be more direct and not leave testimonies to chance and to do it right there...and help them discover it themselves and discuss it with them. Its not something I've heard in the church (maybe they discussed it but getting to church on time is a real chore for us so maybe we missed it) but is a blessing I was blessed to discover.

Today as I reflected on my own life and felt like was becoming very aware of my shortcomings as a father - seems to be the typical feeling of being a parent quite often - at least it is for me - and I reflected on the words of the doctrine and covenants that if we do not teach our children these things, then the sins of the children be upon the heads of the parents - I thought "I've got enough on my plate from my OWN shortcomings......I'd better work even harder on making sure I do this right....ohhhhhh no! No Laman and Lemuels in this family! Lehi must still be rolling over in his grave! We're going to go knock this out...."

Young children CAN know these things are true and CAN have a testimony - and now Matthew knows (Gonna work with Rachel some more - I think she got it but she was tired to and so was dad - but I wanna make sure it sticks) it is true and he knows he knows because he felt and recognized the spirit himself and declared it himself.

Does that mean he knows everything? Of course not. Line upon line precept upon precept. But he DOES know and he knows he knows - (and in time will come to know what that means) - things that some of the most powerful men on earth have not yet come to a knowledge of: that Joseph Smith was a true prophet, and how to get an answer from God Himself.

And knowing these things, he can now begin to learn other things.

We have to teach them while they can still learn...before its too late and the sounds of the world are so loud in their ears that they can't hear the things of God anymore - is my testimony as a parent.

I haven't ever been told to do this specifically, but I'm thankful for the experiences of a mission to have taught me these things.

I was amazed at how little training we received in the mission field and yet how universal the revelations were as we grew in the word and work.

I know the church is true....Because God Himself has told me!