How To Go On A Family Outing

How To Plan And Execute (note use of word "execute") a Family Outing.

Step:
1 - do no planning whatsoever - make sure the trip is spontaneous to maximize the fun-potential and freedom

2 - begin to sigh a breath of relief about how you feel free because you're spontaneous and going out with your family

This is my kids right here....actually this was today...

3 - however plan to get up early on the day of the outing because going out late will not give you enough time to be fully free
4 - in the spirit of being fully free - and spontaneous - stay up wayyyyy too late so that getting up early isn't even a possibility

5 - refuse to set an alarm because that's too stressful
6 - oversleep
7 - enjoy oversleeping
8 - feel free and unstressed from oversleeping
9 - slowly wake up
10 - realize now you don't have all the time in the world you needed because you stayed up too late and overslept
11 - begin to stress
12 - continue to adhere to the plan of no plans and run around in chaotic fashion barking at the kids because they aren't moving fast enough
13 - get into an argument with the wife about how nothing's where you need it to be and the totally free and unplanned and spontaneous mentality has cut into your ability to be totally free and unplanned and spontaneous
14 - wife bark at dad for getting on the kids
15 - kids act oblivious and continue to run around like hellions
16 - as an alternative to 15 - begin to cry
17 - dad bark at kids for not being happy we're going on a family outing
18 - husband and wife get mad at each other as they rush over each other still maintaining the plan of no planning while trying to plan and trying to have fun
19 - kids go outside finally and make so much noise they aggravate the neighbors
20 - dad open car and let kids in and shut doors so they can't be heard murdering each other

I WISH it was this quiet....

21 - realize that even with the car doors shut and through the inside of the house when it's finally quiet you CAN hear the kids murdering each other in the car
22 - continue to argue with wife until you get outside late for your unplanned and spontaneous free day
23 - get wife in car so she can bark at kids
24 - FINALLY - family about to hit the road!
25 - dad forget something spontaneously unplanned and leave wife and kids in car to murder each other
26 - dad check to see if he can hear family being murdered from inside shut car through house
27 - decide don't want to hear it - take extra long taking one last pee-break enjoying the silence and freedom of a spontaneously unplanned day in the quiet of an empty house
28 - get back to car in bad mood because everyone's fighting
29 - remember forgot to say family prayer before leaving
30 - pull it together just enough to be reverent enough for a family prayer
31 - try to give a meaningful family prayer and ask for the family to get along
32 - become irritated at kids for not being reverent during prayer and try to be reverent while becoming annoyed
33 - immediately go back to barking at kids for not being reverent
34 - mom try to make peace by telling dad to calm down
35 - dad throw fuel on the fire by bringing up a past transgression of mom's when she didn't calm down
36 - mom bring up bad habit of dad of never forgiving or forgetting
37 - kids pay close attention to parents now and be quiet so they can listen to parents verbally sparring
38 - dad disengage from family and stew in silence and decide to have a happy free and spontaneous day while begrudgingly driving family out to do their activity
39 - kids fight now that it's quiet then family finally decide to calm down because family is on the road on way to fun outing
40 - dad realize he forgot something really important at store
41 - mom and dad argue about money and time lost going to store
42 -go to store
43 - dad feel peace while wife and kids locked in car murdering each other over being bored and dad take too long shopping for a bunch of things not even on the list
44 - dad come out happy from shopping
45 - mom glare at dad for taking too long
46 - dad totally be a guy and play stupid that since he got a break from the family while they murdered each other in the car they should all be in a good mood
47 - dad say something insensitive about family refusing to get along and not respecting each other and realize forgot what he went in for
48 - kids fuss so dad threatens to cancel trip
49 - kids beg to go and immediately behave

50 - mom plead with dad to continue hellish free spirited and unplanned and spontaneous trip for the kids because they didn't get out at all this week and they are driving her up a wall
51 - carry out unplanned hellish free spirited and unplanned and spontaneous trip
52 - kids occassionally start to murder each other in the back seat with increasing frequency while dad tries to ignore it
53 - dad completely withdraw into himself
54 - mom act happy looking out the window in an effort to cheer things up
55 - dad turn up radio to drown out kids fighting
56 - mom complain radio's too loud so dad withdraws back into self in silence
57 - finish activity and have a meaninful time in some fashion and try to forget chaos
58 - mom point out if it weren't for dad persevering family wouldn't have gotten out today
59 - mom thank dad for hanging in there
60 - dad realize this time really is precious and important
61 - dad apologize to kids for barking at them and threatening them with physical harm
63 - kids foolishly forgive dad and continue to wander within arms reach of spankings in the future
64 - have family prayer thankful for the day
65 - kids go to bed
66 - realize it wasn't so bad after all
67 - forget all the stupidity and fighting that went on all day
68 - not feel completely de-stressed from day however
69 - in the mood of the evening - talk about doing something else totally free-spirited and unplanned and spontaneous to counter not-yet-unstressedness
70 - wait until family is too stressed out and needs another break
71 - plan another totally free-spirited and unplanned and spontaneous activity
72 - go back to step 1

Second Chances.....and unbelievable miracles.....

On June 5th my wife had a miscarriage and we lost our child.

Despite all this, I felt like something was incomplete and that the child was to be born to us - maybe to have a second chance or sometime in the future but I didn't know how it was going to work out.  Something just felt not right and even the priesthood blessing indicated that this child was to be born to us though I didn't know how.

Jen's been miserable for about a week and a half. I've struggled as well.  Unable to part with a baby bassinet and the baby clothes they've been shuffled around the house for a  bit now, awkwardly and yet still uncertain of what to do with them.

Last night I asked her if her uterus was cramping and she replied "You mean the tomb?" Not knowing what to say, I could only reply to it with my dry humor and say "You mean your coffin?"    I got a dry "ha ha" to that.  Not fun times, but we tend to be more stoic as a family after all we've endured.

At any rate, she's been cramping more lately and we had to go to the doctor to find out if there was anything left behind and whether we had to remove a dead and decomposing fetus from inside her.

Today, we went to the doctor for the ultrasound and she was cramping and did not want to go to the appointment.  I couldn't just send her alone, so I went.

We finally got in and the moment of horror arrived where they actually started looking around.  Kind of horrified at what I'd see, I waited with a bit of resignation.

Finally they found it, I saw its ribcage and its little body laying sideways inside her.   The ultrasound technician said "Um....yah.....you got a complete baby in here......."

Jen sagged on the table.  It was awful to think that entire thing was going to have to come out....arms, legs, head and everything....

The ultrasound technician wiggled the instrument around and continued "And a beating heart!  You have a live baby in there!"

Jen and I tous ensemble:"WHAT?"

"Its alive!"

"Are you serious???"

"Yes!"

"No way!  Wait....WHAT?  It's alive?"

"Yes!  With a healthy heartbeat!  158 beats per minute! Going strong!"

Jen began to sob uncontrollably and was completely overwhelmed.  I was in shock and had to look at the screen again and again and again.  There was our baby, looking at us, and I could see the heart beating on the screen.

The technician put the heartbeat on the monitor so we could hear it, there it was so strong again and still.  A lot less space than before it looked like but there it was.

Wait....WHAT???

Jen was still losing it but in a good way.

Texts went out to friends and family who were stunned as we were.

Okay, so my child's been dead nearly two weeks, and today I find out that it's still alive.......I didn't know what to think or what to feel - so much all at once!

I know I want the child and am absolutely stoked, but I feel like I'm on my fourth child because I already lost my third and this is a new one!  I still know what it's like to lose a child....so surreal.  And now....I have my child "back."

The news spread fast and my sister in law accidentally spilled the beans to our kids before we got home but they were excited.  Probably the only bummer out of this was that we didn't get to tell them ourselves.

But Matthew's going to be an even bigger brother and Rachel will finally be a bigger sister.  Out of it all?  I know I want this child.  I know what I'm capable of as a father and that I can do this in our circumstance.  I came to value my children even more and became way more tolerant of their "little kid-ness" and essentially I feel like I was given a chance that we just don't ever get in life.  Not one I've heard of anyways. Ever.

I am reminded of the sacrifice of Abraham with his son Isaac and can only say that I'm grateful to know I can pass through something like this and not turn away from God, though it wasn't fun, the reality?  Hasn't quite set in yet. 

God truly does have His hand on me.  I've seen too many miracles to doubt His presence or His love.

But as for today?  The single most miraculous and surreal day of my life.  Ever. 

Now....I guess I need to go finish that baby bassinet that I saved.  I can still look forward to the baby clothes being tried out for Christmas.  What a day.

Thank you all for your prayers and love.  I have no doubt that you had a part in this wonderful miracle of miracles.

Thank you all, and God bless.

Thank you again, and God bless you again and again.

Life's crumbs....and shattered windows.....

This morning we lost our son-to-be in a miscarriage.

My wife awoke me at 5 am saying she was bleeding.  I got up, looked around and began to race to get dressed.  We called to find out if there was an ER in Redmond, the kids got up fairly quickly and Heaven blessed me to be able to put her in the van quite easily.   

Before we left, I asked her if she wanted me to give her a blessing.  She said yes.  I gave her a blessing by the authority and power of the priesthood which I hold, and I could feel that this wasn't going to be though I didn't dare accept it and hoped against hope that what I saw and felt as I gave the blessing wouldn't come to pass and that there might remain some chance of things turning around, and yet I was promised something would come to pass in the future with another child. 

It was comforting again when the military training comes out and I'm quite comfortable and trained to safely drive in an emergency - fortunately at 6am on a Sunday in a rural town, there isn't much traffic and the streets were empty. As we drove she informed me she was beginning to cramp.

We arrived at the ER in about 7 minutes or less, we were the only ones there...and Jen was quickly quickly taken in the back.  The kids and I sat out in the waiting room as they weren't prepared to handle mom, dad and two kids with a bunch of work to do.

I asked if I could go see her after a while, they said "They are doing okay, you can go back in a while." 
"They."   In these times of crisis your mind hangs on every word, every nuance to see meaning and ascertain how things go.  Friends texted me to tell me that from their experiences there was still a good chance - I hoped for the best.

When I was finally allowed back in, the nurse's attendant didn't say a word but walked back fairly lightly - more meaning inferred - wondering - wandering - waiting.   When I got back to Jen and we finally had time to talk, Jen asked me what I saw by the priesthood.

The priesthood is an amazing gift that God has given to man again in these latter days - by it God can and often does show us the future, the past, things that are, things that could be and God again speaks to man by it through the Holy Ghost - just as it was in Times of Old.

I told her that I felt it wasn't going to be good.

To me it felt as if our child had chosen not to come here yet for various reasons and had decided to wait for another time though there might be a future time.  Heaven and earth are indeed connected, but both of them have their own plans and designs, with Heaven often waiting on the desires of mankind and men's choices, and Earth waiting on the timing, plans, laws and designs of God.  In it all it is up to us to do our best to try to understand and be receptive to what comes as we try to listen to what is being whispered to us through the Spirit. 

She told me it was going to be a while and that I should take the kids to get breakfast.  I grabbed McDonald's with the kids and headed back to the Emergency Room.

When I asked if I could see Jen,they took me back.  I asked her what was going to happen.  She told me that they had already taken it out of her and it was dead.  We had lost our baby.

I lost it.   I asked her if she had seen it....what happened?

Just the other week he was so strong, I watched him do a "trampoline like bounce" inside mom and had his hands near his face with its thumb in its mouth.  The heartbeat was 160 or something like that.  And now....when it came out, it wasn't even recognizable.

When we finally got cleaned up to go, I told the kids we had lost their baby brother.  It wasn't until I mentioned that we didn't need the handcrafted bassinet I made that Matthew suddenly realized we weren't going to be having a baby.  He began to cry.  I handed him some tissues and he was sobbing about how we weren't going to have a baby - he wanted to be a big brother and was getting excited about the idea.

As we drove away, I felt so empty.  Nothing.  This was it?  I didn't get a certificate, a name, a headstone, a funeral, a memorial, a program for a memorial service......nothing.  We just drove away.  I never got to see my son.  I couldn't live like this.  No.  It couldn't end this way.

My mind began arguing that we were still having a baby on December 8th!  I realized I had to go back to say goodbye to it.

Were I not a psychology major having been trained in loss and grief, I don't know that I could handle this.  This wasn't something I wanted to do but I had to do.  There had to be some note of closure.  This was all too fast.  I asked Jen if I could turn around and go back.  We did. 

I walked into the hospital and asked if I could see the nurse and told her I needed to see what was left of my son.  I couldn't walk away with nothing and just have a trip to the ER and have it be over and not know...not see....not have anything.   She took me into a room, and the nurse brought me a container and explained to me what it was and there really wasn't much there that was distinguishable. 

I actually clutched the remains in the container to my chest sobbing "all I wanted to do was to hold you."  I was able to make out what would have become soft, soft baby skin wanting lotion and needing patting.  Just yesterday, I was at a beach with my children and asking the other children they played with what their names were as I got ideas for names.  And now....on our anniversary vacation.....nothing.

I finally left, my children have never seen dad cry and I cried on the drive back to the resort.  The sunrise on the mountains, on Sisters was beautiful, and I couldn't help but think just as we lost someone, someone else was being born today, to others this was an ordinary day....so many kinds of days and it was only 9am.

I got to the resort and informed them that I needed new linens for the bed.  They offered to take them up.  There was a lot of blood on the bedding and I didn't want some staff hauling away what little remained from the hopes of my infant son, I told them I would prefer to take it myself and I broke down and told them I had lost my son this morning. 

When we got back, Jen asked me to go make the bed before she got in there, I did however ask the children to help me make the bed.

Death is a stranger in America.  It is the only thing that awakens us from the American dream (My own quote from my studies in the psychology of loss and grief).  We run from it, shield our children from it, and avoid it and spend less time mourning than about any industrialized nation.  It wasn't always so, but the last 70 years in the US have seen our attitudes towards death change.  As my daughter came in she asked me why there was blood in the bathroom, I told her that was from the baby, and then she saw Matthew and I changing the linens and it hit her as well.

She hasn't cried, and Matthew is doing well, though I am a wreck. Jen called her sister who's had more miscarriages.  I have baby pictures from ultrasounds, a very lovingly handcrafted baby bassinet I made out of wood, and a little baby duck outfit for a newborn hanging on our bedroom door - all awaiting something to be done with them.

I'm grateful this happened at a resort rather than in my bedroom where I feel like it's a room of death.  Though the room did feel like death when we returned to it.

I texted my supervisor to tell her I might be requesting extra days off because I was supposed to go back to work on Wednesday.  I can't.  I mean I could, but that day I have to sit through a meeting with a supervisor above her that I don't really have any respect for and who's really crossed some lines at work that I'm still trying to decide what to do with.

As far as blessings go?  There's a tendency in America for Americans to be unempathetic towards those who've suffered loss.  People rush to tell you how it's a good thing, to see the blessings in it - as if someone's loss is a threat to their emotional well being and people can't just let you be sad.  We need to be sad.  Even Christ said "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."  This is true.  Unless we mourn, we cannot be fully comforted.   I believe there are 316 standard phrases used in the American lexicon that we say to those who are mourning, and only 44 of them are encouraging, uplifting or supportive.  The remainder dismiss or disenfranchise the grieving.

For now I will just mourn and pass through this.  My children are beautiful and I love them and just now as I am writing, my darling daughter came to show me her latest ponytail venture with one hanging off her forehead and another off her left hear with those beautiful blue eyes.  My son, ever so stoic is just working on a popsicle.

At any rate, family was called and it was offered to have the kids gone so my wife and I could spend time together.  Absolutely not. I just lost a child.  I want my kids close even if we drive each other nuts.

I do feel angels around me.  Something I can sense and sometimes see.  The ones I see right now are "older" men, wise men, kindly gentlemen who are just here to be a comfort but who share my loss - quiet men who lend support.

How can Heaven mourn for us when Heaven sees the end from the beginning and live amidst such joy incomprehensible, and yet their hearts be here with us and cry when we cry, hurt when we hurt?  Its something I don't understand other than to think that a loving Heavenly Father is truly mindful of us and truly does understand us.

To "Baby Millican" who wasn't born or even fully named, we loved you though we hadn't met you and we hope that we shall yet meet you and I shall do my best as a father if Heaven and Earth combine to bring you to us once again, and to Heaven.....thank you for the gift of being able to understand others who've walked where I am now walking.

The valley of sorrow is indeed deep and long and dark and even dangerous if we stay there too long, and the corner we have just turned is a previously unknown crevice in the valley we hadn't been to before. 


But I thank Heaven for the perspective of the restored gospel and the knowledge of the purpose of this life to give us comfort in these times of sorrow that Christ himself said must needs come and for which this earth was designed.

For now, I shall close.  I'm not ready to say goodbye yet and I have hopes for one more but for now, I'm going to close. 


Thank you all and God bless.

Thank you again.  And God Bless again and always.

ANT FARM! Wood Shop! Do it yourself!

So - we got a bit of an ant problem in our house....which the kids have resorted to catching them, with my son putting them in the "cockpits" of lego-spaceships he was building so you could see them through the windows of the spaceships. We had our own full blown ant-air-force/space-force around here as he had a good ten or so with two and three ants apiece in them.

Ants are pretty darned cool, when you're five.  So for a get-together with my mom at a restaurant, my kids decided to give her a "present" of a lego-space-ship with ants in it.  At the dinner table.  In the restaurant. I had no idea.  Of course the lego-space-ship broke apart and the ants "got out" and my kids were scurrying around on the floor of the restaurant looking for the ants while my mom's freaking out wondering what she just got dumped on her.  


Anyways, a trip to the science store showed ant-farms were $32 for ONE - and a large one?  $45!!!!  Mmmmmm - no.   Not when dad can make them at home.  A trip to Lowes Hardware store and one more to Home Depot for $25 for four plates of acrylic, two 2"x3"x8' (Y'all reading overseas or even to our north or south...okay - NON americans - I don't know what that is in metrics - if you must convert it you can do it here ) and voila I had two that were way bigger for less AND I got an excuse to use my tools....ahhhhhh to be a man and create with my hands.  I just gotta build.....something about when I'm done having something behind I can see and touch and hold. 

The hardest part was I don't have a table saw (or a radial arm saw) but I do have a circular saw.  So - I needed to cut grooves to insert/recess the acrylic into which normally on a table saw you'd just drop your blade down and then run your wood across.  I had to get creative with a handy portable workbench dad gave me and a block of wood to run the circular saw across it - but other than that - it was pretty easy.  If anyone wants to see it - here it is below in photos you can click on and embiggen.

looks like a kitchen...acts like a workshop...

sawdust on the floor freshening the air in the house...

the first two pieces together with clear acrylic in between

1/2" x 3/8" "doorway" to the "skybridge" I built in the exotic ant-mansion

Two ends on....

Project complete on the kitchen counter with West Wing and East Wing visible

exotic sky-bridge with a commanding view of the sugar-jar and Mountain Dew Repository - every Ant's dream!

there's actually an ant in there...with a science experiment in the background - Oh Horror of Horrors! 

These are the ants that were diverted from the Space Program to a work-camp. 

ahhhhh....kitchen floor mess....

brave trooper - I named her "Sojourner" - exploring the ant-mansion.

Actually....she hung out there for 20 minutes preening her antannae....it was kind of annoying....maybe she was enjoying the view of the sugar jar...

project fully separated apart....

individual ant-mansion unit - this is the West Wing - cost for one? $12.50 and some nice memories

It was funny tonight as we had family prayer and I thought of all the things I've built for our family.  Beds.  Modifications to the cars.  Ant farms.  More beds.  Shelves....nothing too fancy but still its nice to be able to build with my hands....   I did clean the kitchen up though with the new vacuum.....

I hope these are the kinds of ants that dig and not just the types that run around.....if they are the kind that just run around but don't dig I might have to order some kick-ass ants to dump in there and eat their sorry behinds and dig some tunnels....

OREGON ROAD TRIP! RIPPLEBROOK! THREE LYNX! HARRIET LAKE! FROG LAKE!

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Road Trip: Oregon, Kelly Point! Yaquina Bay! Portland Temple! Timberline Lodge!

 I went to timberline the other night - got a couple photos but with the cell phone nothing fantastic.....anyways - had to have a hot chocolate - it was great - and snapped some other photos.  Took some pictures of the Portland Oregon LDS temple, and then went metal detecting at the mouth of the Willamette where it meets the Columbia and found a Marshmallow roasting stick....that my kids lost.....anyways, all these were taken with my cell phone - you can click on them and enlarge them - but - here you go - free pictures.  And enjoy the hot cocoa pictures....I like them best.....I spent a good ten minutes posing it for you, my fine readers.....it really is worth the $5.00 you spend on it.....

One of many angles of the Hot Chocolate at Timberline

entrance to timberline

 

World's Best Hot Chocolate: @ Timberline Lodge

Where two rivers meet - Columbia (r) & Willamette (l)

discovered: AN ANCHOR!

empress hairdo

captain goofball and his sidekick empress hairdo with shovels

Willamette at the Columbia - Sunset

100 miles inland or so on the Columbia

Not sure where this came from but it's in Pirate town in Newport

From a casino in Vegas....now in Newport....

Still in Newport.....still not in Vegas anymore....