Tying My Wife's Shoes

She sat in her wheelchair, impatiently yet patiently waiting for me. 

She knew I could only move so fast with her three children, a little one tugging at me and an older one having a fit about how she didn't want to look stupid at church with the wrong kinds of socks and crying about not being able to find any.  The oldest groaned about getting up early, heaving those heavy sighs around the house indicating he wasn't happy to have to do this or anything.

I let the complaints wash over me and enjoyed the little one tugging at me as I tended to my work. 

As I unlaced the shoes, her legs, that once had gone hiking with me, had taught me to dance, had gone for walks on the beach, now hung emaciated, blood pooling in her legs from lack of use, and immobile and essentially...useless.  All they could be used for now really was to wear shoes, and that was just so they wouldn't get colder than they already were from not getting any use.

Shoes.

She used to wear nice shoes. 

She used to love nice shoes.

Now, shoes were just a matter of convenience really.  A burden, really.  She couldn't put them on herself much anymore except for her crocks and even then required help.  They were just one more item in a long list of items that needed to be taken care of that she couldn't do herself anymore as she increasingly became helpless.  As she watched me work with her shoes, she not only saw me prep to put them on her for her, she also saw the years rendering her entirely immobile, confining her to a bed, to watch her children come and go but not be able to share those experiences with them because she couldn't follow them or keep up with them anymore.

If her back or even her legs itched?  She couldn't scratch it anymore.  Those days were gone as the disability ravaged her body from its own effects in combination with three child births.  Now, even putting on shoes was its own exasperation.  Those little things you take for granted, that you don't even think about, but will notice if they aren't done right such as the sock seam running under a toenail, or the tongue of the shoe not being properly positioned, the laces snugged just right...can't be done herself anymore. And nice shoes? She's down to two pairs of crocks and a pair of black Nike Jordan's with pink hearts on them, cute, but totally not the style she ever wore and just a matter of convenience.  On the upside, shoes never need be replaced because she doesn't wear them out.  The same pair, year after year after year.

And out of her love she didn't dare complain, she was just happy not to have been abandoned as happened to so many with her disease.  Husbands who decided this was more of a burden than they could carry, served divorce papers, took the children, and placed them in nursing homes to atrophy and die.

It isn't perfect but we figure it out, forgive, repent, apologize, press forward and try to make it the best we can. 

What lies ahead in the years to come, I don't know.

Helpless doesn't even begin to describe how I feel as I have to do more and more just to make life functional.  Becoming aware of how she likes her socks put on so that they don't drive her crazy, paying attention to tags that she can no longer fix that itch and drive her crazy, learning how to part her hair so she doesn't feel like a freak in public with that annoying part-gone-awry that drives so many of us nuts before we leave the house....

How does it end? 

I don't know.

Overwhelmed?  Yeah.  And starting a new career and raising three children while I have to leave her at home now and even leave her behind as I head across the state to start working a job to earn pay for us to move into a new place by my new work.  The world rushes around me and yet I have no idea how I am going to make it work.

Peoples' criticisms of me or even of her fall on deaf ears anymore for how hard we do or don't work at this or make it work.  It is our own path that others haven't walked.  Even if the path looks similar, we are different people carrying our own hidden burdens.  We each have to walk our own path the best we can. 

Walk a mile in someone elses' shoes?  It isn't possible.  It never will be. 

I don't have energy to try someone elses' shoes, or even to criticize their footwear.  I got my own path to walk, with my wife rolling beside me with three children in tow, an uncertain path ahead of us that doesn't look too favorable.  Whether you are grateful or not, or think your path is harder or easier....it doesn't matter, except I wish you well. I have to focus on the path ahead of us, and I don't have energy to do much else and hope that I don't slow others down from their important journeys in this world.

For now, I focus on making the laces "just right" because she can't do it herself.  I pull the tongue out and turn her socks so the seam doesn't bother her as her feet prepare to hang uselessly and untended for the rest of the day as the world and we march on our way while she sits in maddening discomfort that even medication can't fix most days for those little things she can't do herself anymore.

Curse the disability?  It doesn't do much good.  I've tried.  It is still there.  I'm still here.  We're still here.  But not as much as we used to be.  And yet more than we used to be as we become grateful for those small details we used to take for granted, thankful for them when we get to enjoy them.

So I focus for now, just for a moment, and let the world go on its merry way because I have work to do and its more important than almost anything right now.  I don't know how I'll do what else is going to come, and nothing else matters but for just this moment, I'm tying my wife's shoes.

How To Go On A Family Outing

How To Plan And Execute (note use of word "execute") a Family Outing.

Step:
1 - do no planning whatsoever - make sure the trip is spontaneous to maximize the fun-potential and freedom

2 - begin to sigh a breath of relief about how you feel free because you're spontaneous and going out with your family

This is my kids right here....actually this was today...

3 - however plan to get up early on the day of the outing because going out late will not give you enough time to be fully free
4 - in the spirit of being fully free - and spontaneous - stay up wayyyyy too late so that getting up early isn't even a possibility

5 - refuse to set an alarm because that's too stressful
6 - oversleep
7 - enjoy oversleeping
8 - feel free and unstressed from oversleeping
9 - slowly wake up
10 - realize now you don't have all the time in the world you needed because you stayed up too late and overslept
11 - begin to stress
12 - continue to adhere to the plan of no plans and run around in chaotic fashion barking at the kids because they aren't moving fast enough
13 - get into an argument with the wife about how nothing's where you need it to be and the totally free and unplanned and spontaneous mentality has cut into your ability to be totally free and unplanned and spontaneous
14 - wife bark at dad for getting on the kids
15 - kids act oblivious and continue to run around like hellions
16 - as an alternative to 15 - begin to cry
17 - dad bark at kids for not being happy we're going on a family outing
18 - husband and wife get mad at each other as they rush over each other still maintaining the plan of no planning while trying to plan and trying to have fun
19 - kids go outside finally and make so much noise they aggravate the neighbors
20 - dad open car and let kids in and shut doors so they can't be heard murdering each other

I WISH it was this quiet....

21 - realize that even with the car doors shut and through the inside of the house when it's finally quiet you CAN hear the kids murdering each other in the car
22 - continue to argue with wife until you get outside late for your unplanned and spontaneous free day
23 - get wife in car so she can bark at kids
24 - FINALLY - family about to hit the road!
25 - dad forget something spontaneously unplanned and leave wife and kids in car to murder each other
26 - dad check to see if he can hear family being murdered from inside shut car through house
27 - decide don't want to hear it - take extra long taking one last pee-break enjoying the silence and freedom of a spontaneously unplanned day in the quiet of an empty house
28 - get back to car in bad mood because everyone's fighting
29 - remember forgot to say family prayer before leaving
30 - pull it together just enough to be reverent enough for a family prayer
31 - try to give a meaningful family prayer and ask for the family to get along
32 - become irritated at kids for not being reverent during prayer and try to be reverent while becoming annoyed
33 - immediately go back to barking at kids for not being reverent
34 - mom try to make peace by telling dad to calm down
35 - dad throw fuel on the fire by bringing up a past transgression of mom's when she didn't calm down
36 - mom bring up bad habit of dad of never forgiving or forgetting
37 - kids pay close attention to parents now and be quiet so they can listen to parents verbally sparring
38 - dad disengage from family and stew in silence and decide to have a happy free and spontaneous day while begrudgingly driving family out to do their activity
39 - kids fight now that it's quiet then family finally decide to calm down because family is on the road on way to fun outing
40 - dad realize he forgot something really important at store
41 - mom and dad argue about money and time lost going to store
42 -go to store
43 - dad feel peace while wife and kids locked in car murdering each other over being bored and dad take too long shopping for a bunch of things not even on the list
44 - dad come out happy from shopping
45 - mom glare at dad for taking too long
46 - dad totally be a guy and play stupid that since he got a break from the family while they murdered each other in the car they should all be in a good mood
47 - dad say something insensitive about family refusing to get along and not respecting each other and realize forgot what he went in for
48 - kids fuss so dad threatens to cancel trip
49 - kids beg to go and immediately behave

50 - mom plead with dad to continue hellish free spirited and unplanned and spontaneous trip for the kids because they didn't get out at all this week and they are driving her up a wall
51 - carry out unplanned hellish free spirited and unplanned and spontaneous trip
52 - kids occassionally start to murder each other in the back seat with increasing frequency while dad tries to ignore it
53 - dad completely withdraw into himself
54 - mom act happy looking out the window in an effort to cheer things up
55 - dad turn up radio to drown out kids fighting
56 - mom complain radio's too loud so dad withdraws back into self in silence
57 - finish activity and have a meaninful time in some fashion and try to forget chaos
58 - mom point out if it weren't for dad persevering family wouldn't have gotten out today
59 - mom thank dad for hanging in there
60 - dad realize this time really is precious and important
61 - dad apologize to kids for barking at them and threatening them with physical harm
63 - kids foolishly forgive dad and continue to wander within arms reach of spankings in the future
64 - have family prayer thankful for the day
65 - kids go to bed
66 - realize it wasn't so bad after all
67 - forget all the stupidity and fighting that went on all day
68 - not feel completely de-stressed from day however
69 - in the mood of the evening - talk about doing something else totally free-spirited and unplanned and spontaneous to counter not-yet-unstressedness
70 - wait until family is too stressed out and needs another break
71 - plan another totally free-spirited and unplanned and spontaneous activity
72 - go back to step 1

Christmas Trains & Childhood Memories of Pennies

Despite whatever regrets I may have about childhood, one thing my dad was good at was being a kid.  I never met either of my grandpas, but I understand they were pretty good at it too.  I'm talking about being kids - not grown idiots that get arrested and set a bad example and act like they are 13 - kids.

Like having fun or doing the things a kid would want to do.

So for Christmas, dad wouldn't spend a bunch of money on the big gifts, but would get me a bunch of small gifts - like dollar store gifts by the boat-load with a few big ones mixed in.  It was a great way of stretching the dollar and maximizing Christmas.  Things like "Flippy subs" and "Jacobs ladders" as well as balsa airplanes were pretty standard fare - and a lot of fun.

But the one thing I really wanted?  An electric train set.  I was fascinated with trains since our trip to Canada back in 1980 when during the whole drive up and back we saw trains that stretched for well over a mile.  I suppose Oaks Amusement Park having a mini-train that I rode on every year at the Portland Police Picnic and just went round and round on contributed.  But a train set in the mind of a child isn't a toy.  It's REAL.  Just as real as a real one.  And I wanted one.  My parents bought me lots of little substitutes from that time to placate me but nothing would do but a REAL train set. And I knew just the man who could get me one.

So I went to see Santa.....


And I told him what I wanted - an electric train set.....

He said he'd see to it....

And Christmas came.....

And Christmas went...

And there was no train set.....

Apparently Santa AND my parents didn't think I was big enough for one yet.  I was maybe five or so.

I was pretty heart broken.  I don't know how this Santa stuff works, but he HAD to know I wanted one and would be responsible with it.  More than that kid and his Red Ryder BB Gun on TV anyways, though this was before he came around....I thought Santa knew everything???

In psychology studies it's been demonstrated that our personalities are very largely similar in childhood as they are when we are adults - looking back at the encounter to follow, I think I can definitely see some similarities - both in reasoning and in...um....oratorical wit for a six year old - which hasn't really stopped when I get fired up even today.

Another year passes and mom takes me down the Oregon City Shopping Center to see Santa again.

My turn comes....

Santa sits there with his arms out telling me it is my turn....

I stand there with my hands on my hips and a scowl on my face....

Mom gives me a bit of a nudge....

So Santa asks me what I want for Christmas from where he sat rather than waiting for me...

And I stood there refusing to move and reply with all the irritation that a 6 year old can muster up without being a spoiled brat quite yet "I want the train set you didn't bring me LAST year!"

Santa's mouth almost dropped and he stopped looking at me.

His eyes narrowed and his gaze shifted up from my six year old frame and turned to a glare at my mother standing next to me who suddenly wasn't next to me and was acting like I wasn't her kid and she was shocked some kid would be so mouthy to Santa.

At any rate, that year - the train set was delivered.  It was there Christmas morning.  Completely set up.  It was an O-Scale steam engine complete with a logging mill and in a giant four foot by six foot wooden box, green grass felt and the entire thing could be picked up and put against the wall if it needed to be put away in one move.

And.....there was my dad and my uncle Randy playing with MY train set!

THE AUDACITY!

That evening when the grandmother and great grandmother came over - I heard how my dad's own train set got violated by his dad and uncles as well.  Must be a family thing.  I was told that Santa asked Dad to test it for me and make sure it worked, just like Santa asked Grandpa to test dad's.

O gauge track

"Well, if SANTA said you could play with it then I guess it's okay.  I mean, he did bring it after all....I'm not gonna argue with Santa...."

At any rate, the O-Scale train was a lot of fun. But I still wanted more.  A "REAL" looking train set - not the "three-railed" O-scale set - I wanted two rails, not three.

So, since income as a seven year old is difficult to come by - I didn't get paid to do chores because I was expected to do chores, and I was too young to mow lawns, I had to find another way to get the train set sooner than Santa would bring it and without having to bug mom and dad for the money.

What to do...what to do....?

Then, my second grade class had a pinata for a party.  We were to all bring a bit of candy and a penny or a few nickles or something in it.

We all got to smash at it with a stick and I learned a few things: One - you don't want to be the person who breaks it open because then you don't see where the goods go.  Second - there's other things more important in this world than candy.  There was cash in that pinata.  Cash in the form of pennies and nickels, dimes and some quarters.

I was small but I was fast.  I was in that circle and I went after the cash as fast as my little arms could go.  The other kids were so stupidly and naively attracted to the candy.  Foolish, foolish children.  There was money to be made here.  Worked for me though! 

HO scale track

In a few moments I literally had a mound of pennies and nickels.

Not just a mound - I had about $30 or $32 dollars in pennies!

That's about 3,200 pennies.

Do you know what about 3,200 pennies looks like or feels like exploding over a crowd of school kids from a pinata?  Its kind of dangerous.  But the danger that makes the more timid souls run for cover bought me time.

When it was over, I sat guarding this massive pile of pennies and had a tootsie roll, a piece of bubble gum and that was it.  Oh, and a butt-load of money for a 7 year old.

When the kids realized what my plan was and that they had the candy and I literally had the biggest pile of money any of us had seen - one of them told me I *HAD* to give them some.

Huh HAH!  Not without a price.  This is where I began being a salesman.

Two pieces of candy for a penny - which is a better deal than just getting it for free. 

So now I'm selling money for candy at far-below-market value (of Candy that is).

The trip home on the bus found me with a paper grocery bag on the seat next to me full of cash and me with a smug grin on my face.  Visions of steam engines danced in my head.  Soon I would have my wish. 

At any rate, I got to buy my HO scale (two rails, not three) train set, but the problem was there wasn't enough room to put it anywhere in the house permanently.  So dad took a 4'x8' piece of plywood and ran four ropes to the four corners and up to a pulley system on the garage ceiling that went to a boat winch.  Now my train set could come down from the ceiling to play and be put up for storage - no problem.

I wish I could say I took good care of the train set, but boys will be boys.  Lots of experiments with collisions and running them off cliffs as well as just use took their toll over the years though I did develop some really nice sets as well.  I learned about electricity and not shocking myself as well as came to loathe electricity.  But besides my bike growing up - probably nothing holds as many wonderful, concentrated and real memories as my train sets.

I never did become an engineer like I wanted to.  I think I'm getting too old to now and I'm on track becoming a psychologist - but for all intents and purposes I was an engineer of the HO-Scale variety.

I think it must be time for my son to get his own train set and me to play with it to test it out first and defile it before he gets to play with it and make a deal with Santa that I'm to test it out.

Mission Memories......."That Means I'm Jewish"

Even though I was a returned military veteran and 25 years old as I went on my mission - there were a lot of things I was still naive to in which I helped contribute to the sometimes-notion/impression that missionaries aren't that bright.


A mission is a learning experience. But sometimes.....well.....it can be entertaining as well.....

 I didn't know all the different religions yet nor much about them.  I was brand new, serving with Elder Keyes (eyes - with a "K") in Baton Rouge.   Anyways, if you don't know, Jews put a Mezuzah on their door post (to the side of the door) on the house reminding them of the ten commandments and they often touch it, or symbolically kiss their hand and then touch them as they pass by in their goings into and out of the home to remind them to go out and come in in the name of the Lord.  This is a fancy one and very pretty with the 12 stones representing the 12 tribes (sons of Jacob/Israel) and the 12 stones worn on the breastplate of Aaron.  Not usually so decorative, but pretty nonetheless. 




Anyways, also on some doors are wreath hangars of various fashions like this one:  

 And other times they have various fancy bulbs in their porch light - sometimes looking like this....

 And still other times, they have nails left in the door from some unspecified festivity/purpose but with nothing hanging on them.

 Well.....the door we went to for this particular story had all four.  A Mezuza, a wreath holder, fancy bulbs and two nails sticking out of the door. 


I didn't know what a Mezuza was nor did I know what a wreath holder was.  No clue.  Never needed to know and never paid attention.  I knew what nails were and fancy bulbs but anyways, all this plays an important part in the exchange to follow.

So, Elder Keyes and I are tracting in Baton Rouge and this gentleman says to us at the door, "I'm not interested in what you are sharing....see that over there?" pointing in the direction of the Mezuzah but sort of towards the porch light "It means I'm Jewish." 


Me, a bit puzzled, looked at the porch light and said, "Those fancy bulbs mean you're Jewish?"  (Frick...the whole neighborhood must be Jewish! I thought.) 


"No, not that....the thing on the door!"


I looked at the wreath holder not knowing what it was....what a strange religious symbol! "Oh!" I said politely. ".....THAT means you're Jewish?....what IS that?" (I was trying to figure out how it represented the Jewish faith and all sorts of weird thoughts went through my head as I tried to fathom what this thing had to do with God).


"NO!  Not that...the thing in the middle of the door!"


There hung two empty nails.....such a mystery. 


"Oh......whatever it was....I think...it fell down...."  I began looking around for the symbol of the Jewish faith that had fallen off the door to help the poor man find the declaration of his faith in a gesture of goodwill towards men.


The poor man looked exasperated and was clearly wondering if I was stupid.  My companion looked like he was going to hurt himself trying not to laugh.  


"NOT THAT! THAT THING! RIGHT! THERRRRREEE!"  and he touched the Mezuza in the middle of the door post looking like he wanted to grab my head to show it to me.


"Oh THAAAAT!  That means you're Jewish?" 


"YES!" 


"OHHHHH! Okay....what's that?" 


He was very kind to teach me a bit about Judaism and the Mezuza. I can't say I taught him a whole lot about Christ, other than He takes the willing and not necessarily the educated.  But after this, I can never see a nails on a door, a wreath holder or sometimes the fancy bulbs in a porch light without remembering that none of those things symbolize that someone is Jewish....and start cracking up.

Second Chances.....and unbelievable miracles.....

On June 5th my wife had a miscarriage and we lost our child.

Despite all this, I felt like something was incomplete and that the child was to be born to us - maybe to have a second chance or sometime in the future but I didn't know how it was going to work out.  Something just felt not right and even the priesthood blessing indicated that this child was to be born to us though I didn't know how.

Jen's been miserable for about a week and a half. I've struggled as well.  Unable to part with a baby bassinet and the baby clothes they've been shuffled around the house for a  bit now, awkwardly and yet still uncertain of what to do with them.

Last night I asked her if her uterus was cramping and she replied "You mean the tomb?" Not knowing what to say, I could only reply to it with my dry humor and say "You mean your coffin?"    I got a dry "ha ha" to that.  Not fun times, but we tend to be more stoic as a family after all we've endured.

At any rate, she's been cramping more lately and we had to go to the doctor to find out if there was anything left behind and whether we had to remove a dead and decomposing fetus from inside her.

Today, we went to the doctor for the ultrasound and she was cramping and did not want to go to the appointment.  I couldn't just send her alone, so I went.

We finally got in and the moment of horror arrived where they actually started looking around.  Kind of horrified at what I'd see, I waited with a bit of resignation.

Finally they found it, I saw its ribcage and its little body laying sideways inside her.   The ultrasound technician said "Um....yah.....you got a complete baby in here......."

Jen sagged on the table.  It was awful to think that entire thing was going to have to come out....arms, legs, head and everything....

The ultrasound technician wiggled the instrument around and continued "And a beating heart!  You have a live baby in there!"

Jen and I tous ensemble:"WHAT?"

"Its alive!"

"Are you serious???"

"Yes!"

"No way!  Wait....WHAT?  It's alive?"

"Yes!  With a healthy heartbeat!  158 beats per minute! Going strong!"

Jen began to sob uncontrollably and was completely overwhelmed.  I was in shock and had to look at the screen again and again and again.  There was our baby, looking at us, and I could see the heart beating on the screen.

The technician put the heartbeat on the monitor so we could hear it, there it was so strong again and still.  A lot less space than before it looked like but there it was.

Wait....WHAT???

Jen was still losing it but in a good way.

Texts went out to friends and family who were stunned as we were.

Okay, so my child's been dead nearly two weeks, and today I find out that it's still alive.......I didn't know what to think or what to feel - so much all at once!

I know I want the child and am absolutely stoked, but I feel like I'm on my fourth child because I already lost my third and this is a new one!  I still know what it's like to lose a child....so surreal.  And now....I have my child "back."

The news spread fast and my sister in law accidentally spilled the beans to our kids before we got home but they were excited.  Probably the only bummer out of this was that we didn't get to tell them ourselves.

But Matthew's going to be an even bigger brother and Rachel will finally be a bigger sister.  Out of it all?  I know I want this child.  I know what I'm capable of as a father and that I can do this in our circumstance.  I came to value my children even more and became way more tolerant of their "little kid-ness" and essentially I feel like I was given a chance that we just don't ever get in life.  Not one I've heard of anyways. Ever.

I am reminded of the sacrifice of Abraham with his son Isaac and can only say that I'm grateful to know I can pass through something like this and not turn away from God, though it wasn't fun, the reality?  Hasn't quite set in yet. 

God truly does have His hand on me.  I've seen too many miracles to doubt His presence or His love.

But as for today?  The single most miraculous and surreal day of my life.  Ever. 

Now....I guess I need to go finish that baby bassinet that I saved.  I can still look forward to the baby clothes being tried out for Christmas.  What a day.

Thank you all for your prayers and love.  I have no doubt that you had a part in this wonderful miracle of miracles.

Thank you all, and God bless.

Thank you again, and God bless you again and again.

Life's crumbs....and shattered windows.....

This morning we lost our son-to-be in a miscarriage.

My wife awoke me at 5 am saying she was bleeding.  I got up, looked around and began to race to get dressed.  We called to find out if there was an ER in Redmond, the kids got up fairly quickly and Heaven blessed me to be able to put her in the van quite easily.   

Before we left, I asked her if she wanted me to give her a blessing.  She said yes.  I gave her a blessing by the authority and power of the priesthood which I hold, and I could feel that this wasn't going to be though I didn't dare accept it and hoped against hope that what I saw and felt as I gave the blessing wouldn't come to pass and that there might remain some chance of things turning around, and yet I was promised something would come to pass in the future with another child. 

It was comforting again when the military training comes out and I'm quite comfortable and trained to safely drive in an emergency - fortunately at 6am on a Sunday in a rural town, there isn't much traffic and the streets were empty. As we drove she informed me she was beginning to cramp.

We arrived at the ER in about 7 minutes or less, we were the only ones there...and Jen was quickly quickly taken in the back.  The kids and I sat out in the waiting room as they weren't prepared to handle mom, dad and two kids with a bunch of work to do.

I asked if I could go see her after a while, they said "They are doing okay, you can go back in a while." 
"They."   In these times of crisis your mind hangs on every word, every nuance to see meaning and ascertain how things go.  Friends texted me to tell me that from their experiences there was still a good chance - I hoped for the best.

When I was finally allowed back in, the nurse's attendant didn't say a word but walked back fairly lightly - more meaning inferred - wondering - wandering - waiting.   When I got back to Jen and we finally had time to talk, Jen asked me what I saw by the priesthood.

The priesthood is an amazing gift that God has given to man again in these latter days - by it God can and often does show us the future, the past, things that are, things that could be and God again speaks to man by it through the Holy Ghost - just as it was in Times of Old.

I told her that I felt it wasn't going to be good.

To me it felt as if our child had chosen not to come here yet for various reasons and had decided to wait for another time though there might be a future time.  Heaven and earth are indeed connected, but both of them have their own plans and designs, with Heaven often waiting on the desires of mankind and men's choices, and Earth waiting on the timing, plans, laws and designs of God.  In it all it is up to us to do our best to try to understand and be receptive to what comes as we try to listen to what is being whispered to us through the Spirit. 

She told me it was going to be a while and that I should take the kids to get breakfast.  I grabbed McDonald's with the kids and headed back to the Emergency Room.

When I asked if I could see Jen,they took me back.  I asked her what was going to happen.  She told me that they had already taken it out of her and it was dead.  We had lost our baby.

I lost it.   I asked her if she had seen it....what happened?

Just the other week he was so strong, I watched him do a "trampoline like bounce" inside mom and had his hands near his face with its thumb in its mouth.  The heartbeat was 160 or something like that.  And now....when it came out, it wasn't even recognizable.

When we finally got cleaned up to go, I told the kids we had lost their baby brother.  It wasn't until I mentioned that we didn't need the handcrafted bassinet I made that Matthew suddenly realized we weren't going to be having a baby.  He began to cry.  I handed him some tissues and he was sobbing about how we weren't going to have a baby - he wanted to be a big brother and was getting excited about the idea.

As we drove away, I felt so empty.  Nothing.  This was it?  I didn't get a certificate, a name, a headstone, a funeral, a memorial, a program for a memorial service......nothing.  We just drove away.  I never got to see my son.  I couldn't live like this.  No.  It couldn't end this way.

My mind began arguing that we were still having a baby on December 8th!  I realized I had to go back to say goodbye to it.

Were I not a psychology major having been trained in loss and grief, I don't know that I could handle this.  This wasn't something I wanted to do but I had to do.  There had to be some note of closure.  This was all too fast.  I asked Jen if I could turn around and go back.  We did. 

I walked into the hospital and asked if I could see the nurse and told her I needed to see what was left of my son.  I couldn't walk away with nothing and just have a trip to the ER and have it be over and not know...not see....not have anything.   She took me into a room, and the nurse brought me a container and explained to me what it was and there really wasn't much there that was distinguishable. 

I actually clutched the remains in the container to my chest sobbing "all I wanted to do was to hold you."  I was able to make out what would have become soft, soft baby skin wanting lotion and needing patting.  Just yesterday, I was at a beach with my children and asking the other children they played with what their names were as I got ideas for names.  And now....on our anniversary vacation.....nothing.

I finally left, my children have never seen dad cry and I cried on the drive back to the resort.  The sunrise on the mountains, on Sisters was beautiful, and I couldn't help but think just as we lost someone, someone else was being born today, to others this was an ordinary day....so many kinds of days and it was only 9am.

I got to the resort and informed them that I needed new linens for the bed.  They offered to take them up.  There was a lot of blood on the bedding and I didn't want some staff hauling away what little remained from the hopes of my infant son, I told them I would prefer to take it myself and I broke down and told them I had lost my son this morning. 

When we got back, Jen asked me to go make the bed before she got in there, I did however ask the children to help me make the bed.

Death is a stranger in America.  It is the only thing that awakens us from the American dream (My own quote from my studies in the psychology of loss and grief).  We run from it, shield our children from it, and avoid it and spend less time mourning than about any industrialized nation.  It wasn't always so, but the last 70 years in the US have seen our attitudes towards death change.  As my daughter came in she asked me why there was blood in the bathroom, I told her that was from the baby, and then she saw Matthew and I changing the linens and it hit her as well.

She hasn't cried, and Matthew is doing well, though I am a wreck. Jen called her sister who's had more miscarriages.  I have baby pictures from ultrasounds, a very lovingly handcrafted baby bassinet I made out of wood, and a little baby duck outfit for a newborn hanging on our bedroom door - all awaiting something to be done with them.

I'm grateful this happened at a resort rather than in my bedroom where I feel like it's a room of death.  Though the room did feel like death when we returned to it.

I texted my supervisor to tell her I might be requesting extra days off because I was supposed to go back to work on Wednesday.  I can't.  I mean I could, but that day I have to sit through a meeting with a supervisor above her that I don't really have any respect for and who's really crossed some lines at work that I'm still trying to decide what to do with.

As far as blessings go?  There's a tendency in America for Americans to be unempathetic towards those who've suffered loss.  People rush to tell you how it's a good thing, to see the blessings in it - as if someone's loss is a threat to their emotional well being and people can't just let you be sad.  We need to be sad.  Even Christ said "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."  This is true.  Unless we mourn, we cannot be fully comforted.   I believe there are 316 standard phrases used in the American lexicon that we say to those who are mourning, and only 44 of them are encouraging, uplifting or supportive.  The remainder dismiss or disenfranchise the grieving.

For now I will just mourn and pass through this.  My children are beautiful and I love them and just now as I am writing, my darling daughter came to show me her latest ponytail venture with one hanging off her forehead and another off her left hear with those beautiful blue eyes.  My son, ever so stoic is just working on a popsicle.

At any rate, family was called and it was offered to have the kids gone so my wife and I could spend time together.  Absolutely not. I just lost a child.  I want my kids close even if we drive each other nuts.

I do feel angels around me.  Something I can sense and sometimes see.  The ones I see right now are "older" men, wise men, kindly gentlemen who are just here to be a comfort but who share my loss - quiet men who lend support.

How can Heaven mourn for us when Heaven sees the end from the beginning and live amidst such joy incomprehensible, and yet their hearts be here with us and cry when we cry, hurt when we hurt?  Its something I don't understand other than to think that a loving Heavenly Father is truly mindful of us and truly does understand us.

To "Baby Millican" who wasn't born or even fully named, we loved you though we hadn't met you and we hope that we shall yet meet you and I shall do my best as a father if Heaven and Earth combine to bring you to us once again, and to Heaven.....thank you for the gift of being able to understand others who've walked where I am now walking.

The valley of sorrow is indeed deep and long and dark and even dangerous if we stay there too long, and the corner we have just turned is a previously unknown crevice in the valley we hadn't been to before. 


But I thank Heaven for the perspective of the restored gospel and the knowledge of the purpose of this life to give us comfort in these times of sorrow that Christ himself said must needs come and for which this earth was designed.

For now, I shall close.  I'm not ready to say goodbye yet and I have hopes for one more but for now, I'm going to close. 


Thank you all and God bless.

Thank you again.  And God Bless again and always.

Signs of the Lord's Second Coming and the Last Days

I received this when I was investigating the church in 1993 from my seminary teacher.   I since typed it up and thought I would publish it here.  I'm typing this in response to the declaration floating around that the Lord's coming will be on May 21st of 2011 which we can see here is not true because of what remains to be fulfilled.  Respectfully, to those false prophets who have no authority to declare such things, let alone that scripture its self declares it will not be declared as to the date, I find they are destructors of faith and they have been deceived.  What happens to the people who go willy-nilly following after them and then this doesn't happen?  Will their hearts be hardened and they will give up, perish and fall away until it is too late?  Ahhh....the devil is a cunning worker my friends.  This is why we've been told to "Watch" and be prepared and beware of the blind leading the blind.   

Matthew 7: 20Wherefore by their ^afruits ye shall know them.

 21¶Not every one that ^asaith unto me, ^bLord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that ^cdoeth the ^dwill of my Father which is in heaven.^e

 22Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not ^aprophesied in thy name? and in thy ^bname have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?

 23And then will I profess unto them, I never ^aknew you: ^bdepart from me, ye that work ^ciniquity.

 

The Lord's commentary on the Last days

REFERENCES                              COMMENTS

Matthew 24      Prophecies of the last days (Versus 21-55 refer to our time specifically)

JST Matthew

(PoGP, p.43)   

D&C 20           Summary of the judgments upon man before earth's destiny

D&C 45           Documentation of the signs of the times

D&C 88           Step by step events leading up to coming of the Savior

D&C 101

D&C 133        

D&C 38           Promises made to the righteous when judgments shall come upon the wicked

Joel 2:28-32     Further signs of the last days

Rev 6:12

Rev 16:18-21  

Book of Mormon: the events in 3 Nephi are a pattern for the Second Coming.  There are similarities between the appearance of Christ to the Nephites and the prophecies of His Second Coming.

3 Nephi 2:14-16           Lamanites become a mighty people

3 Nephi 3:22                Righteous to gather

3 Nephi 3-4                 Wars & rumors of wars

3 Nephi 6:17-18, 7:7    Increased wickedness

3 Nephi 7:14                Rejection of the Prophet

3 Nephi 8:4                  Increased skepticism of Christ's coming

3 Nephi 8:6, 10-19       Earthquakes and other disturbances

3 Nephi 8:20-23           Darkness covering the earth

3 Nephi 9:1-13, 10-12Wicked destroyed and righteous preserved

3 Nephi 11:8                Christ coming from heaven

3 Nephi 11:1-11           Christ at His temple

3 Nephi 11:14              Christ displaying His wounds

3 Nephi 23:9-14           Resurrection of the righteous

A PROPHET'S WARNING - “There are among us many loose writings predicting the calamities which are about to overtake us.  Some of these have been publicized as though they were necessary to wake up the world to the horrors about to overtake us.  Many of these are from sources upon which there cannot be unquestioned reliance....We need no such publications to be forewarned, if we were only conversant with what the scriptures have already spoken to us in plainness.” (Harold B. Lee, Conference Report, Oct. 1972 p.128, or Ensign, Jan. 1973, p. 106)

THE PROPHETIC DESTINY OF THE HOLY LAND

Prepared by Gerald N. Lund of the 70

            It should be noted that the line between history and prophecy is constantly shifting.  While one could logically divide between prophetic promises into three divisions – the fulfilled, the fulfilling,, and the yet-to-be-fulfilled – placing of specific promises in the first two is not always that easy.   Therefore, the first two areas are combined into one.  Also note that only some of the more significant references have been included.

1.  

2.I.  THE FULLFILLED AND THE FULFILLING

A. Israel will be smitten and scattered because of their wickedness

1.Lev 26:33

2.Deut 28:63-64

B. The unbelieving of the House of Judah will suffer for rejecting their messiah.

1.2 Nephi 6:9-11

2.1 Nephi 19:13-14

3.  

C. Elijah the prophet will return before Christ comes again

1.Malachi 4:5-6

2.D&C 110:13-16

D. The people of Israel will return to the Lands of their inheritance

1.Isaiah 5:26; 11:12

2.2 Nephi 21:26-29

3.D&C 39:11

E. The House of Israel will accept the covenant and be God's People again

1.Ezekiel 20:24-28; 26:25-28

2.Jeremiah 21:18-20, 31-34

3.Isaiah 59:20-21; 60:1-5

F. The “Jews” will “Begin” to believe in Christ again

1.2 Nephi 6:14; 10:7; 25:16; 30:7

2.1 Nephi 19:14

G. The Holy Land to become productive and fruitful again

1.Isaiah 30:23-25; 35:1-2

2.Jeremiah 31:2-5, 9-12; 32:15

3.Ezekiel 36:34-35

H. Jerusalem to be rebuilt and become the capitol of Israel again

1.3 Nephi 20:46

2.Zechariah 1:16-17; 2:12;  8:3; 12:6

3.Luke 21:24

I. Judah to show forth great power in battle

1.Isaiah 19:16-17

2.Zechariah 10:5-6; 12:6-8

J. Judah and Ephraim to be reunited and become one again

1.Isaiah 11:13

2.Jeremiah 3:18; 50:4-5

3.Ezekiel 37:16-17, 22

II  THE YET TO BE FULFILLED

A. Temple to be built again in Jerusalem

1.D&C 124:36-37

2.Amos 9:11

3.Zechariah 1:16

4.Ezekiel 41-48

B. The lost tribes of Israel to return, first to Zion, then Jerusalem

1.Jeremiah 16:14-15; 31:6-12

2.Isaiah 35:10

3.D&C 133:26-34

C. All nations will gather together against Jerusalem

1.Jeremiah 25:15-26

2.Ezekiel 38:1-16

3.Joel 2:1-11; 3:1-2

4.Zechariah 14:2

5.Revelation 9:1-21

D. Two prophets will prophesy in Jerusalem and help the House of Israel

1.Isaiah 51:17-20 (See JST corrections)

2.Revelation 11:1-12

E. The Savior will appear on the Mount of Olives and deliver Israel

1.Ezekiel 38:17-23

2.Zechariah 12:9-14; 13:6;  14:1-7

3.D&C 45:43-53

F. A great river will appear in Jerusalem, the Dead Sea will be healed

1.Ezekiel 47:1-12

2.Zechariah 14:8

G. Babylon and all earthly kingdoms will be overthrown and destroyed

1.Isaiah 34:1-10

2.Ezekiel 39:1-22

3.Zechariah 14:12-15

4.Revelation 18:1-24; 19:11-21

H. The New David (Jesus Christ) will rule over Israel

1.Isaiah 55:2-4

2.Jeremiah 23:5-6; 33:15-17; Hosea 3:4-5

3.Ezekiel 37:21-25, 34

4.Luke 1:32

I. Zion will be established as a world wide kingdom and Christ will reign for a thousand years

1.Isaiah 65:17-25; 66:1-14

2.Joel 3:16-21

3.Zechariah 14:116-21

4.Revelation 20:1-6

5.D&C 101:23-32

CHRIST'S APPEARANCE TO MAN BEFORE THE 2ND COMING

            When the Lord returns he will make some appearances to specific groups and then culminate his return by his appearance in great power, majesty and glory, in such a manner that all the world will see him (D&C 133:17-22; 101:22-23).  Four appearances of the Lord have particular mention by the prophets:  two of these appearances will be to the Saints; one appearance will be to the Jews; and the fourth will be his final coming to the world.

(1)THE APPARANCE AT THE CITY OF NEW JERUSALEM

(2)The Lord “shall suddenly come to his temple”  (D&C 133:2) a temple yet to be built in Jackson county, Missouri, (D&C 84:1-5; 97:10, 15-16).  Elder Charles W. Penrose said that the Lord would make his appearance first among the saints and “that appearance will be unknown to the rest of mankind.  He will come to the temple prepared for Him, and his faithful people will behold his face, hear his voice and gaze upon his glory.  From his own lips they will receive further instructions for the development and beautifying of Zion and for the extension and sure stability of His kingdom.”  (Charles W. Penrose, Millennial Star, 10 Sept. 1859, p. 582-583.

(3)THE APPEARANCE AT ADAM-ONDI-AHMAN.

(4)The Prophet Joseph Smith said that “Daniel in his seventh chapter speaks of the Ancient of Days; he means the oldest man, our father Adam, Michael.  He will call his children together and hold a council with them to prepare them for the  coming of the Son of Man.  He (Adam) is the father of the human family and presides over the spirits of all men, and all that have had the keys must stand before him in this grand council” (History of the Church 3:386-387; D&C 116).  The Lord will appear to the saints in a solemn assembly of the Priesthood to be held at Adam-ondi-Adhman in Daviess County, Missouri, attended only by those who have held the keys of the priesthood during all the gospel dispensations and by others living who are specially invited.  “This council shall precede the coming of Jesus Christ as a thief in the night, unbeknown to all the world” Joseph Fielding Smith, Way to Perfection, p. 289-291).

(5)THE APPEARANCE AT THE MOUNT OF OLIVES

            The Savior's appearance to the Jews will occur when Jerusalem and its environs are besieged by            many nations.  At the close of a long and costly war, know as the Battle of Armageddon, the   Jews will flee for safety to the Mount of Olives.  There the savior will make his appearance      (D&C 45:48-52; 77:15; 133:35; Revelation 11:1-12; Zechariah 14:1-9).

(4)THE SECOND COMING: THE APPEARANCE TO THE WHOLE WORLD

(5)As the Lord's second coming approaches, signs will mark this epochal event.  One of the last of these signs is the Sign of the Son of Man (D&C 88:92; 101:23; JSM 1:36).  Following the sign there will be “silence in Heaven for the space of half an hour, and immediately after shall the curtain of  Heaven be unfolded” and the Lord will make his glorious appearance (D&C 88:95). So great will be the glory and power of His coming that the earth will tremble, the sun shall hide his face in shame (D&C 133:40-42, 49; 101:25).  All that is corruptible shall be consumed and destroyed by the brightness of his glorious presence (D&C 5:19; 101:24-25).  The Lord will wear red apparel, signifying his great atoning sacrifice and also  his Judgments upon the wicked (D&C 133:48-51).  Both the righteous living and the celestial dead will be caught up to meet the Lord in the air to be rewarded while the wicked are destroyed (D&C 88:96-97; 101:89-91)( Manual, religion 325-325 (Doctrine and Covenants) p 404).

THE PROPHET JOSEPH SMITH ON THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST

            “...The coming of the Son of Man never will be == never can be till the judgment spoken of for this hour are poured out;  which judgments are commenced.  Paul says, “Ye are the children of light, and not of the darkness, that that day should overtake you as a thief in the night (I Thes. 5:4-5).”  It is not for the design of the Almighty to come upon the earth and crush it and grind it to powder, but he will reveal it to His servants the prophets.

            “Judah must return, Jerusalem must be rebuilt, and the temple, and water come out from under the temple, and the waters of the Dead Sea healed.  It will take some time to rebuild the walls of the city and the temple, etc.;  and all this must be done before the Son of Man will make His appearance.  There will be wars and rumors of wars, signs in the heavens above and on the earth beneath, the sun turned into darkness and the moon to blood, earthquakes in divers places, the seas heaving beyond their bounds; then will appear one grand sign of the Son of Man in Heaven.  But what will the world do?   They will say it is a planet, a comet, etc.  But the Son of Man will come as the sign of the coming of the Son of Man, which will be as the light of the morning cometh out of the east.  (April 6, 1843.) DHC 5:336-337.

            “...The inhabitants of the earth are asleep, they know not the day of their visitations.  The Lord set the bow in the cloud for a sign that while it shall be seen, seed time and harvest, summer and winter shall not fail;  but when it shall disappear, woe to that generation, for behold the end cometh quickly.” (TPJS, p. 305).

WHY ARE WE TOLD OF THE GREAT...AND TERRIBLE EVENTS?

(1)HOPE!   In D&C 45:38 we read, “Even so it shall be in that day when they shall see all these things, then shall they know that the hour is nigh.”

(2)REWARD!   If the Saints are not to reign, for what purpose are they crowned?   In an exhortation of the Lord through his servant John he said, Behold, I come quickly: Hold fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.”  For he that is worthy, the Lord says, he shall be clothed in white raiment, and Christ will present our names to His Father and before angels.

(3)PREPARATION!  NOW  is the time.  Those who “have taken the Holy Spirit for their guide...shall abide the day” (D&C 45:57).  President Hinkley said in April Conference (1995), “The time has come for us to stand a little taller, to lift our eyes and stretch our minds to a greater comprehension and understanding of the grand millennial mission of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

“This is a time to be strong.

“It is a time to move forward without hesitation, knowing well the meaning, the breadth and the importance of our mission.

“It is a time to do what is right regardless of the consequences that might follow.

“It is a time to be found keeping the commandments.

“It is a season to reach out with kindness and love those in distress and to those who are wandering in darkness and pain.

“It is a time to be considerate and good, decent and courteous toward one another in all our relationships.  In other words, to become more like Christlike.”

Signs of the times (GOOD!) 

(A “-” afterwards means it's a bad thing or a negative event that won't be happy)

1.Spirit to be poured out on all flesh

2.Discovery and use of printing

3.Protestant reformation and age of renaissance

4.Discovery and colonizaation of America

5.Establishment of the American nation

6.Translation and printing of the bible

7.Establishment of the U.S. Constitution

8.Latter-day revelation

9.Coming forth of the Book of Mormon

10.Opposition to the Book of Mormon -

11.Restoration fo the keys/priesthood

12.Restoration of the gospel

13.Messenger to precede Second Coming

14.Church and Kingdom set up again

15.Growth of the Church

16.Gathering of Israel

17.Ten tribes to return

18.Times of gentiles being fulfilled

19.Return of Judah to Jerusalem

20.Jews to begin to believe in Christlike

21.Building of latter-day temples

22.Lord to come suddenly to His temple

23.Spirit of Elijah and genealogical research

24.Persecution of the Saints -

25.Persecution of the Jews -

26.True gospel to be preached to all the world

27.Worldly knowledge to increase

28.Scientific and inventive progress

29.Disease, plague and pestilence weep earth -

30.Elements in commotion -

31.Disasters to abound -

32.Strikes, anarchy, violence increase -

33.Latter-day wickedness

34.Spirit ceasing to strive with wicked -

35.Peace taken from the earth -

36.Angels reaping the earth -

37.Wars and rumors of wars -

38.Famines, depressons and economic turmoil -

39.Apostate darkness covers earth -

40.Many false churches in latter-days -

41.Refusal of men to believe signs of times -

42.Signs on earth and in heaven

43.Lamanites to blossom as the rose

44.Gathering at Adam-ondi-Ahman

45.Final great war to attend second coming -

46.Sorrow and fear precede and accompany second coming

47.Fall of the great and abominable church

48.Special mission in Jerusalem of two latter-day prophets

49.Wicked to be burned

50.Final restitution of all things to be completed

51.Christ to reign personally upon earth

(Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, page 715-734)