Forgiveness and Healing Take Time

In my work with convicted offenders, violent crimes and abuse, my focus is on the repentance of the abusers.  That's something that the victims cannot control, nor do they have power over. 

Meanwhile, abusers are often faced with victims who find themselves unable to forgive, unable to heal - something the abuser cannot control or have power over to make happen. 

One dynamic of abuse is called "victim blaming".  Society more often aligns with the aggressor, and victims get blamed for their own abuse far more than the abusers do.  Examples are "if she hadn't been dressed like that nothing would have happened" or "if she hadn't acted that way he wouldn't have had to hit her."  Blame sharing is where the action is blamed on both sides but ignores that one had the upper hand or more power: "they were fighting," "we were both hitting each other." 

One victim in church that I know was asked what they did to make others angry that the victim was being targeted.  The victim responded that was like telling a rape victim she made them rape her, had it coming, and that the rape was justified and understandable.  The conversation quickly became quiet. In another, it was suggested that the victim should have forgiven because the abuser may have repented and it just wouldn't be known but they should be given the benefit of the doubt.  It was responded that for the abuser to repent in that case, they would have had to go to prison, and they would have had to have publicly apologized.  The conversation again, fell quiet. 

This dynamic is actually really common - both in and out of the church, it's nearly universal.  Our world is extremely, spiritually, morally and socially unhealthy and the church doesn't exist in a vacuum - the normal everyday dynamics we all function with will find their way into the church as we attempt to use the gospel tools to overcome them and make ourselves better.  But, just listen to any pop-song and you'll hear lyrics that just reek of abuse and codependency.  The most common response to any such allegations of abuse is for everyone to be silent because they don't want to take sides, be seen as judging wrongly, or make a mistake, and so they remain silent and attempt to be friendly to both sides. 

Silence speaks volumes. 

Overwhelmingly, the abuser has the upper hand and advantage of power, prestige, resources, reputation, social networks.  Any time such allegation gets made against their reputation - especially when the allegations are legitimate -  the abuser becomes outraged that their reputation could be sullied by any such allegations or insinuations.   They also stand to lose a lot - prestige, standing, status, income, resources - never mind they already took them from the victim by abuse. 

 

Tied to this is that abusers very often may have a lot of friends.  When people find out that a person they have thought so highly of has been involved in abuse, or their behaviors have been abusive, the system closes around the abuser to protect them, as well as their social circle's reality that they have been involved with an abuser and never knew it.  The victim is portrayed as making false allegations, or as "overreacting", and instead, the very system designed to help people become better, repent and make better choices, instead, unwittingly and unintentionally in such cases, becomes a tacit endorser of abuse.  

Leaders, tasked with keeping social cohesion and spiritual unity, while helping all sides progress towards the Savior find themselves in an exceedingly difficult situation; they risk being viewed as either taking sides and splitting long-standing friendships or social ties, or alienating the victim - either by not saying enough or by saying too much, with the result being the victim feels unheard and the abuse feels ignored and even approved.  Meanwhile, the resolutions are most of the time, very messy, and are things few leaders are professionally or privately prepared to navigate and facilitate in an all-volunteer clergy. 

But in an increasingly volatile and reactive world, there has been more and more emphasis on "forgiving" and being a "peacemaker."  

From where I work, I would like to see more accountability, more repentance, less "sweeping it under the rug" and "ignoring the elephant in the room" to avoid uncomfortable conflict that comes with the resolution of abuse. 

When we harm someone, if we do so publicly, we need to publicly announce it and be accountable.  If it's just between us and the other person, we need to still step up.  But in anything, it's going to take time.  We need to allow sinners time to repent, victims time to heal, and do the best we can to help all become closer to Christ, which is what the gospel is all about.